Council sheds everything

A council employee illustrates how much extra cash

has been allocated to public services for 2011

Under unprecedented financial pressure, Petersfield’s local council has published a list of cuts it plans to make to public services. This isn't it:

1. Hundreds of unwanted wooden sheds, bought at great expense for the Christmas Festival a few years ago and now rotting in a lock-up off Bedford Road, will be converted into green burial caskets and leased to the dead on a timeshare basis. Hurry while stocks last.

2. Petersfield Library is to move into a converted wooden shed from East Hampshire District Council’s (EHDC) Christmas stockpile. The library will also be merged with the hearing-aid shop so half the customers will spend all day going "shussh" while the others reply "pardon?". Saves £6,000.

3. £22,000 cut from Residents Home Improvement grants. Future applicants will be given a wooden shed and told "stop moaning or we'll rehouse you in Havant".

4. Corners will be cut in Petersfield town centre as the Market Square is reduced by 25 per cent and renamed the Market Triangle. Planners recognise the kebab van will be unable to navigate the new 60 degree corners so EHDC has kindly offered the use of a replacement wooden shed.

5. £9,000 of cash put behind the bars of councillors' chosen pubs every year is to be withdrawn. The money was handed over to "ensure members of the public could use the pub toilets" like they can in, say, a pub. Instead it will be used for councillors’ tipples…

6. A fleet of limousines used to take every member of council staff to and from Overspennds Place, out to Monoloco for lunch and off to the pub to "use the lavatory" is to be replaced by sheds on wheels, driven by pixies.

A spokesman for the council said: "Don't blame me - you voted the buggers in!"