How the council spends your money

As easy as pie

 

Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.

 

Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.

 

Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.

 

The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .

 

Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

No news is news

Wenlock and Mandeville...

Following last week's news that the Olympic torch is coming to Petersfield we can now round up all the other exciting Olympic games news from around the area.

Petersfield won't have a screen, so you'll need to watch it on the telly.

Olympic appeal

 Melons

An online petition is calling on East Havantshire District Council to reverse its decision to pull Petersfield out of the Olympic Games.

Residents were looking forward to participating in a number of sports in the market square. Popular events were to include the Olympic Post Office queuing championships and the 26-mile Olympic Nimby Moanathon.

All the action was to have been shown on a big screen until councillors vetoed the plan, citing chronic shortsightedness.

Council official Stu Pidd said: “Nobody in the council could see the appeal of a big screen. We’re all so shortsighted here. In fact we’ve recently upgraded to a 42-inch flat screen in our boardroom at Halfpennies Place and Sally Taylor still looks a mess.”

If the new online petition is successful it means spectators will be also able to watch the women’s volleyball finals while buying market-fresh melons.

Council don’t see big picture

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

 

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

 

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

 

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

 

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

 

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

 

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

Kyle be damned

A Havant resident causes havoc in Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square
when he gets hold of the remote

Petersfield town's residents' hopes of being able to watch the 2012 Olympics on a big screen look set to be dashed.

It had been hoped that the people of Petersfield would be able to enjoy the Olympics next year together, and in something of a carnival atmosphere, but this is now looking unlikely to happen.

In a recent meeting between East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) and Havant Borough Council (HBC) the possibility of sharing use of a large screen was discussed.

With the weekly cost of hiring a big screen in excess of £6000, sharing looked to be the only affordable option; but the problems of sharing a screen with Havant look insurmountable.

Jim Nastics, from EHDC, said: "The problem is that some of the main events such as the men’s 100 metres final and the opening ceremony clash with things they would want to watch in Havant, in these two specific cases... Jeremy Kyle.

 Leigh Park’s Duane Jenkins would love to have made it onto the big screen

“We have tried to come to some sort of compromise, but May Karfist, the chairman of HBC was quite insistent that Havant folk would definitely want to see their relatives or friends, should they feature in a show.

“My lot would not be happy if we paid out for a big screen only to miss a guest appearance by one of our more colourful characters. I’d ‘ave me windows put through or me Subaru torched.”