How the council spends your money

As easy as pie

 

Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.

 

Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.

 

Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.

 

The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .

 

Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

PRATS - Petersfield's vocal locals

Cam Payne, Petersfield's biggest PRAT

A new website has been launched to enable Petersfield residents to object to the many things they object to “in a more organised manner”.

The man behind the website, Cam Payne, chairman of the vocal local organisation Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), believes this is a major step forward in the town’s ability to complain irrationally about all manner of topics.

He said: “Petersfield residents are renowned for objecting – whether it’s against planning applications, the closure of the Town Square, car parking, pavements, the lack of organic five-a-day vegetables, the increasing appearance of fog or a failure to increase oxygen levels for old people.

“While these are all valid objections, as a town we need to have a more co-ordinated approach. Too often the protests are limited to individuals posting leaflets on telegraph poles or somebody writing a letter of ill-informed complaint to the local newspaper.

“The launch of the new website will enable us to protest in a more organised manner. And it will also lead to more concerted and visible campaigns. For a start, this week, following on from the much publicised ‘Occupy’ protests in New York and London , we are holding an Occupy Cloisters march.

“It will start at the statue in the centre of the square and culminate at the Cloisters coffee bar where protesters will occupy all the tables, pausing only to order the occasional latte and eggs Benedict.

“And if, as expected, the protest gathers momentum we will be able to nip across the square to Milletts and purchase some thick socks or even a tent. For most people this will only differ from their normal day in that they will be ordering eggs Benedict instead of a smoked salmon bagel – but the important thing is we have to start somewhere. And the website has enabled us to do that.”

The website comprises a simple content management system into which visitors add in relevant information in order to generate a campaign. These include ‘cause of ire’; ‘action required’; ‘how many angry residents do you require?’; and a multiple-choice section for ‘required action’, which includes tick-boxes for ‘angry letter to the paper’; ‘angry photograph in the paper’; ‘poster pinned up angrily in the library’; or ‘angry stall in town square at next event organised by an angry Ben Errey.

Olympic torch to bypass Petersfield?

Hardly a shining example

 

Plans for the Olympic torch to be brought to Petersfield in July could be thrown into chaos because of unregulated parking in the town.

Sebastian Coe, the former Olympic gold medallist turned Conservative party mouthpiece, admitted the health and safety of the runner could not be guaranteed in Petersfield.

He said: “Petersfield has become renowned for the haphazard and unregulated parking which has been encouraged by the town’s independent shopkeepers.

“It is not right to ask somebody carrying the Olympic torch to weave in and out of badly parked cars just to visit a tin-pot Hampshire market town. We have to be able to guarantee the safety of the runner and we can’t currently do that.

“In addition, the predilection for local farmers to muck spread and fill the town with noxious gases on warm days in July and August does not sit well with the idea of a naked flame. Hence we are currently reconsidering our initial route.”

The news will horrify the town’s residents who are still reeling from the news that a giant screen planned for the town square during the Olympics has been banned owing to fears of a loss of trade by pan-pipe buskers.

But news of the potential re-routing was welcomed by local jeweller Matt Tress, head of a local independent traders group. He said: “I welcome people double-parking illegally outside my shop – it means they’re more likely to come in and pay through the nose for their purchases. It’s good to see that people are thinking of the small shopkeeper for once.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised a full investigation into the issue and is likely to favour whichever option can provide him with the most votes and the best PR.