Petersfield’s gypsy plans unveiled

 A traditional gypsy caravan

Dale Farm’s gypsy population has been invited to set up home in Petersfield by Trevor Laws, chairman of Petersfield Town Council’s planning committee.

Laws has set the caravan wheels in motion to meet the housing requirements forced upon the peaceful market town by government.

Petersfield has been told it needs to grow by 422 homes before the end of 2028 and Laws thinks this gives the town a chance to exploit a loophole.

“There are 420 families living on Dale Farm, if they all move down here, there will only be a need to build a further two homes between now and 2028,” he said.

“Nobody wants development apart from the developers themselves, and this would be a great way to avoid it.

“Even the South Downs National Park representatives are caving in to pressure, so my plan will put an end to all this talk of building plots.”

Laws has been in secret talks with Dale Farm representatives Eve Hilleye and Iona Quadbyke, and they have agreed a certain standard of accommodation could be mandatory.

“I have insisted that each home has to be a traditional “pretty” gypsy caravan; the site will look beautiful and if anything, attract visitors to our part of the National Park.

“The caravans could be sited next to our existing caravan population, at the rough end of town, down on The Causeway, so that shouldn’t upset anyone.

Iona Quadbyke tries out the tree with a ladder on the Causeway site

“A loan scheme has been put in place with the Swiss Bank UBS, who are desperate for some good press, and the gypsies will be able to pay for their new caravans over the next 15 years.

“The bonus will be the ‘mates rates’ system that I will insist upon for tarmac resurfacing work. When our roads fall apart this winter, following another ‘unexpected’ cold snap, our new neighbours will be out to fix the cracks before you can say no to a sprig of lucky heather.”

You Cant be serious

 Somebody should be thrown through the arched window...

The rationale behind the new monstrosity in Petersfield has been defended in an effort to calm irate townsfolk. 

Beside Petersfield’s central car park, in a corner previously occupied by quaint old shops, rises an incongruous brick edifice, details of which have been largely kept a secret from the public. 

Newswire can reveal that the design of the building is loosely based upon a combination of a Swiss chalet and, curiously, a design from the old BBC favourite, Play School . 

The architect, Swiss born Emma Entahl told journalists: “I visited Petersfield during the winter and noticed how this car park was like a scene in Switzerland , sheet ice, with piles of snow all around, like a black run at Gstaad. When asked to give my thoughts on this new build, I thought a chalet would be the perfect design.

“I was however conscious of the need to incorporate something very English into the blueprint and, after some research, decided upon the old children’s favourite Play School . You know with Brian Cant and Floella Benjamin.

 Fewer windows than the new build

“I feel the chalet style blends seamlessly with its surroundings whilst there is the subtle nod towards English eccentricity with the inclusion of a round window, an arched window, a square window, and also because I had some spare wall space... a triangular window.”

The building will be home to a new furniture store with affordable accommodation in the roof space.

On a more positive note, the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), which has recently declared words such as 'aerodrome' and 'charabanc' as extinct, told Newswire that this building has singularly rescued the word 'carbuncle' from archival.