'S no disaster

 

You can't get the staff. 

  

A group of posh students from across East Hampshire gathered at Ditch-It Park school (leafy South Downs) last Friday, where they had been invited to a conference. Conversation soon drifted to the weather, as it is prone to do in this country, and the meeting was subsequently labelled a "Climate Conference", to make it sound valuable.

It all started when Melissa Schiffer-Brains (The Big School - Petersfield) said: "I say it's a bit chilly this morning, don't you think? Positively parky".

"I agree" chimed in Valencia Tumble-Twatt (Bojangles - Steep). "I almost slipped getting into Daddy's Hi Lux this morning, the frost was so awful".

We even had frost on Portsea Island, and that's fairly unusual" added Jeremy Balls-Deep (Portsmouth Old Fashioned - Portsmouth).

"The council gritted around our house last night" declared Shane Jenkins (Staunton Dark - Rowlands Castle).

 
"Goodness!" said a very surprised Tumble-Twatt. "Daddy won't let the council anywhere near our estate. He gets his own men to clear the ice".

 
"That's extraordinary". Imogen Top-Snobbery (The Posh School - Petersfield) joined the conversation.

 
Tumble Twatt looked incredulous, "what is?"

 
"That someone from Rowlands Castle was invited to attend this conference!" exclaimed Top-Snobbery.

 
"My letter said something about social inclusion" said Jenkins.

 
"That or simple clerical error" snorted Top-Snobbery.

 
"Anyway, this isn't cold" said Tumble-Twatt with something of a smug grin. "Last year when we were skiing in Valdisere, the temperature dropped to -10. Mummy had to arrange for a man to warm our ski boots before we could even consider having the servant pull them on".

 
"It was unseasonably cold in St Moritz last month". Clarence Asquith-Benz (Ditch-It Park) reported. "I understand the temperature didn't get above -14 during our entire stay.

 
"It was so cold Mummy's Dom Perignon bottles cracked in the Lexus".

 
"My god, what did you do?" enquired Tumble-Twatt.

 
"Daddy just bought another one, the Lexus was very nearly six months old anyway and Mummy fancied a change of colour".

 
"When we New-Yeared on Whistler last year, the temperature dropped to -21" boasted Top-Snobbery.

 
"We actually lost one of our party".

 
"By jove, you lost a skier?" enquired Asquith-Benz.

"Oh Lord no. Only a butler; Daddy says it was his own fault for not wearing large enough snow shoes. He only had to carry the tray of drinks a few miles from the chalet.

"Pleased to say disaster was averted with some quick thinking by Mummy."

"Did she get someone to dig him out?" asked Asquith-Benz.

"No, she arranged to borrow a reserve butler from the Lexington-Arswipes who winter on the next slope".

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

Get your kitsch out for the lads...

REVEALED (in a tabloid style): The last set of tacky Petersfield souvenirs as created by three groups you've never heard of who are calling the town 'The Windermere of the South'.

SNOWDOME

Just one shake brings a light flurry of flakes to this charming street scene which is at a total standstill because of the snow.

(MORE) POST OFFICE QUEUEVENIRS

End Of The Line: Own this classic shot by local photographer Len Scap which depicts the start of the Post Office queue in its typical location at the bottom of Lavant Street. Available for £25 in the library or £130 in Waitrose.

No snow joy for desperate media

Petersfield was filled with desperate TV camera crews and news reporters this afternoon after a brief snow flurry.

GMTV quickly had a petite blonde with a speech defect located on a bridge over the A3 in anticipation of more stories of ‘family horror stuck in the snow’.

But they left disappointed after the snow failed to cause a single car to skid off the road.

A spokesman for Delta FM admitted: “We were preparing to double our news team to two to cope with the demand of people phoning in and telling us how bad it was just so their friends could hear them on the radio.

“But it just didn’t happen. We did manage to get a piece on an 82-year-old woman who sprained an ankle when she slipped in The Causeway, but that wasn’t caused by snow, only an apple core.”

However, more snow is predicted for the region, as the Meteorological Office confirmed.

“Snow is on the way,” said weatherman Armitage Shanks. “It will be quite heavy and is anticipated in February next year.”

Meanwhile local newspapers are encouraging readers to send in their snowflake pictures for a 16-page supplement.

• Read about “Causeway ankle agony after apple attack” in next week’s 23 Petersfield-based media outlets.

What a load of grit

Council workers have received huge praise for managing to grit at least one side road during the recent snowy weather.

Somehow the brave workmen managed to make their way up the treachorous icy gradients of Tilmore Hill to clear the road and pavements of the posh detached houses in Kimbers.

Unfortunately, they had to return to their cosy warm offices before they had time to lay grit and salt outside the council homes in the adjacent Highfield Road.

However, there were warm words from their councillor, Bobby Bear, who said: "It's work like this above and beyond the call of duty that makes our council workmen the heroes of the recent cold spell - they really showed what they're made of."

Bear, who coincidentally lives in Kimbers with his wife Mummy Bear, two baby bears and Goldilocks the au pair, added: "The fact that I live here has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the road was cleared of ice and snow ... honest guv."

Mrs Granny Humble, 89, who was trapped in her Highfield Road home for more than a week and survived by eating breadcrumbs from a neighbour's bird-table said: "Sounds like a pile of grit to me..."

The Ice Man cometh

Affordable housing near the heath - advertising

material claims prices have been 'frozen for January'

Petersfield Housing Association is to lodge a complaint over the new homes that have been hurriedly erected on the land between Heath Road East and Sussex Road in Petersfield.

The PHA has accused Petersfield Town Council of exploiting a loophole in the system; keeping to a minimum the level of new affordable housing in the area.

Speaking for the Council Planning Department, Bill Ding defended the work saying: “In line with strict Government directives we have, ahead of schedule, erected a number of affordable homes that comply and in fact go well beyond all normal environmental requirements.

“These homes are in a desirable part of town, with easy access to the town centre.

“I must point out that a clause in any prospective purchasers’ contract will state that the ownership of the land will return to the council if the house is demolished thus ensuring that the area will remain unspoilt for future generations.”

PHA will tackle PTC head on, with Evan Elpuss accusing them of: “deliberately building homes that will not last, thus reducing, in the long term, the number of homes that can be afforded by the poorer members of society".

In response Ding said: “They have the same guarantees as Barratt Homes...”

Thaw causes news chaos - snow news is good news

News organisations in Petersfield have gone into a snow-blind panic following the recent thaw.

"Where are we going to find all our stories now?" commented one insider at Petersfield Newswire.

"News stories have been literally falling from the sky into our lap for days - we didn't even need to leave the office ... come to think of it we couldn't leave the office most of the time.

"The snow may have been bad news for anyone who eats food, wants their bins emptied or post delivered but for us newshounds - and 4X4 drivers - it was a god-send.

"We'll have to start using our imaghinations again soon ... although this shameless attempt at extending the snow coverage has at least kept us going for another day."

A spokesman for The Messenger said: "How are we supposed to nick that?"

Family man suffers as result of snow

The plight of Lee Parker and his business associate Roland Castle have been drawn to the attention of the Newswire team here in Petersfield.

Parker, 33 contacted us after reading what he calls “so many sob stories” on the Newswire site. His story shows that the poor weather has hit some of us harder than others, with some sections of the community receiving no aid, support or even sympathy in these desperate times.

“This snow has been a real nightmare,” said Parker, fighting to hold back a tear.

“I have a partner and seven kids to support and this is normally my busiest time of year. This snow has wrecked any chance I had of cashing in on the public’s high spending Christmas season.”

Parker confided that he completely relies on this time of year to make enough profit to ensure his family can live comfortably for the rest of the year:

“Roland and I normally come up to Petersfield, where so much cash has been splashed over the Christmas period. People leave their new plasma TVs, their X-boxes, wiis, cameras, mobiles and even cash sometimes, out in full view, and we can just slip in while they are out and help ourselves.

“This year because of the ruddy snow, everyone is trapped indoors and not leaving the house. Nobody is even leaving windows open, not even a little bit for some fresh air and of course we can’t get the van up some of these side roads because of the ice. Criminal that's what it is."

Time is money as far as this industrious pair are concerned.

“Trouble is, every day that goes past, the stuff is getting used and we are less likely to be able to pass it off as brand new on ebay," admitted Parker.

Parker kindly gave us his address when he wrote and now both he and Castle are helping the police with their enquiries.

Back from the bread

Shelves which normally contain chilli-crusted ciabatta

have been purged by panic-buyers

Petersfield families have been facing food shortages as panic buying, combined with snow, has prevented deliveries to shops in the town.

Essentials like bread and milk were in short supply leading to real hardship in some areas.

"It's a disgrace!" shrieked Penelope Landcruiser-Driver, from Poshhouse Avenue.

"In this day and age in a supposedly modern country, we should be able to maintain supplies of essential foodstuffs.

"There was no chilli-crusted ciabatta for the whole weekend - I managed to find a loaf of unlevened focaccia in my freezer top serve at my Yummy Mummies meeting but it got so bad that this morning I was forced to allow my children to eat toast soldiers made from WHITE SLICED BREAD!!

"As if that's not bad enough my husband has started divorce proceedings after I put full fat milk in his morning cappucino. When will this hell end?"

A spokesman for Waitrose apologised and said he would arrange a special delivery to Mrs Landcruiser-Driver to make up for letting her down.

A spokesman for Tesco said: "What's foccacia?"

'Blitz' spirit heartens hotelier

Petersfield residents who came to the aid of stranded motorists last week have hailed the ‘Blitz spirit’ that prevailed.

One hotelier, Ribena Poison-Tombliboo, opened up her establishment at Languish Hall, despite the fact that it was closed for refurbishment – and within five minutes stranded motorists had taken advantage and moved in.

“We were overwhelmed,” she said. “They were straight out of their cars and into the hotel within seconds of hearing the words ‘no charge’.

“Many of them were working class and it was obviously something of an experience for them to see rooms that didn’t have peeling wallpaper and buildings not covered in satellite dishes.

“Dozens bedded down on the floor and you got this tremendous sense of what it must have been like in the Underground stations during the Blitz. Especially as some of them brought rats with them, pissed on the telephone table and left litter and used condoms strewn across the parquet flooring.

“One of them brought in a workman’s brazier and we gathered round it all night. Well they did; obviously we were upstairs in the Georgian state bedroom.

“There was even one old boy selling the Evening Standard and playing the spoons. We’ve no idea where he came from because he didn’t have a car. But he had a load of Hershey bars and silk stockings.

“They were all so grateful. Many of them said they’d come back in the warmer weather and stay for a weekend – bless them. They’ll never be able to afford £200 per night, but everybody should have a dream.”

To cope with the influx of custom, Mrs Poison-Tombliboo was forced to airlift-in emergency supplies from Waitrose or, as it's known to her, "the larder".

Snow brings unexpected windfall

The snow which has dropped in to Petersfield is also expected to bring with it another windfall: increased tourism.

Travel agents in Russia, Canada, Scandinavia and certain areas of the USA have already reported an upsurge in tourists’ interest in visiting the small Hampshire market town.

Olly Day, a travel agent based in Quebec, confirmed: “We’d never heard of Petersfield until the last 24 hours – yet dozens of people have been in to see if they can visit. They want to come over to your country and laugh at you for not being able to cope with six inches of snow.”

Lafmi Arsov, a student from Moscow, explained: “I want to visit this silly little place where one day’s snow can prevent so many people from living their normal lives. I wish to stand alongside a sign which acknowledges the twin towns of Barentin and Warendorf and have my picture taking while pointing and laughing.”

While many are prepared to ridicule Petersfield residents, the increased interest has been welcomed by some, according to the self-appointed spokesman for Petersfield retailers, Matt Tress.

“Anything that brings more people past my shop is welcome: snow, ridicule, police line-ups…,” he said. “People don’t realise how hard trading conditions are right now. Mind you my new Canadian travel agency is doing quite well.”

Entire world cut off

The snow has reached unprecedented levels ...

unless you're from somewhere other than England

The entire population of Planet Earth has been dramatically cut off from Petersfield by snow.

People the world over hoping to reach the Hampshire town, famed for its long Post Office queue and plans to concrete over land only months after being admitted into the South Downs National Park, have been stopped in their tracks by the sudden adverse weather.

One man had travelled thousands of miles to reach Petersfield, only to fail just outside the town.

He said: "I'd heard about Petersfield's welcoming attitude to heartless property developers like me and was hoping to build 16 starter homes on a small triangle of land I'd identified between the sports centre and the children's playground. Now all that's in doubt because of a jack-knifed lorry near Liss."

On a brighter note, nobody from Bordon can get into the town today.

Trapped on the A3 - a true story

Petersfield Newswire enjoys a laugh, but on occasions like this, when snow brings the town to a standstill we like to feature a true reader story.

This comes from Gareth, 43, who spent the night stuck in his car on the A3 just outside Petersfield.

I'd been at a seminar in Kidderminster and was driving home in the worst weather conditions I can remember.

I got to the Ham Barn roundabout and things were just at a standstill. I had some sweets in the car and I was able to call my wife and kids to tell them I was OK but I already knew I was in for a long stay.

I got a blanket out of the boot of the car and readied myself for an uncomfortable night. Fortunately for me, my next-door neighbour was a stuck a few cars behind me so he came down and joined me, so I at least had some company.

We did get some sleep, though it was uncomfortable, and it was about 5am this morning when we heard a few engines starting up. The windscreen wipers managed to clear sufficient room to allow us to see into the distance, and there were a couple of guys with shovels and backpacks making their way down the embankmanent to the queue of traffic.

As they got closer we could see they were wearing hi-visibility jackets and were obviously some form of rescue team. When they finally got to us, they dug around the car and cleared the windscreen and windows.

I wound down my window and the first guy poked his head into the car and said: "Wash your car today sir?"

Residents prepare for 'big freeze'

Petersfield is expected to see a downfall of up to three inches of grit as residents panic in anticipation of a small snow flurry.

DIY stores, builders’ merchants and pet shops selling cat litter are expected to be gridlocked as panic-buying families stock up on products designed to prevent huge drives from freezing over.

Gary Gritter, East Hants District Council’s roads manager, said: “Things appear certain to get worse over the next 24 hours and we would urge people not to visit DIY stores, builders’ merchants or pet shops unless it is really necessary.

“Obviously those people with 4x4s will be OK as they can use the bull bars to knock everybody else out of the way.”

A spokesman for Waitrose, in Rams Walk, added: “Things are obviously pretty bad as we are running short of coarse rock salt, sun-dried tomatoes, caramelised onion houmous and smoked-salmon blinis – people are obviously expecting to be snowed in for days.

“We’re also running short of brussel sprouts, probably as a result of the rumoured gas shortage.”

However, the RAC’s I C Rhodes, suggested the panic-buying was unnecessary.

He said: “We have conducted many experiments on road surfaces down the years and while cat litter and salt may prove temporary adequate replacements for grit, there has never been any suggestion that houmous or smoked-salmon blinis prevent drives from freezing over.”

The official Meteorological Office forecast for Petersfield over the next 24 hours is: “A system of low-pressure whingeing will sweep in from the west, resulting in the market stall with gloves and hats selling out and lots of lazy buggers not bothering to get out of bed. This will be accompanied by a small flurry of snow, which would otherwise pass unnoticed by anybody living in Scotland.”

Snow brings chaos to town

Polish car cleaners take a break outside

Waitrose - "this is summer day..."

Petersfield was in crisis today after experiencing 1/30th of the average snowfall in December in just one day.

Cars were forced to stick to the speed limit, children arrived at school on time after being kicked out early by concerned parents, 4x4 drivers panic-bought boxes of sun-dried tomatoes, and Costa Coffee ran out of those little chocalatey sticks they put in the top of the cream in the festive lattes.

Petersfield Big School's head teacher, Dee Tention, said: "We were gobsmacked this morning. Most of the kids were in on time, apparently because their parents were so concerned about them being late they kicked them out of the house at about 6am.

"It was totally unexpected. Most of the staff weren't in. They were all still in bed because we had our staff party last night in a marquee on the new artificial pitch. It was great - we had lots of caviar and champagne all paid for by the oil we discovered recently.

"And we wouldn't have been able to do that if we still had that bloody great tree."

The town's popular Big Issue seller was still in place at her normal hour, however, and her work ethic was applauded by career councillor Albert Halls-Committee.

"This is the sort of dedication more workers should show," he said. "If she had a bed she would have been out of it early just to take up her normal spot."

Other non-indigenous workers in the town were also in action at the normal time.

Win Screenworscher, originally from Warsaw, was in the town's central car park at 7am saying: "De-ice your car today sir? Spread dirt around on your completely unnecessary 4x4 madam?"

Bizarrely, he was dressed in beach shorts and a T-shirt.

He explained: "One shentimentre of snow and town grinds to standshtill. Is bullshit. In Poland, this is summer day..."