Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."