Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”