Petersfield residents react angrily ... again!

Petersfield residents have reacted angrily to the town mayor’s comments following the opening of the Hindhead tunnel.

The Petersfield Proust reported that Cllr George Watkinson believes the tunnel will increase house prices in the town, which will put it out of the financial reach of some people who want to live here.

He said: “The commuter belt will move further down which will make house prices increase. This is a disaster for Petersfield as we’re trying to build cheap houses for people who need them and increasing prices won’t allow this to happen.”

But Cam Payne, the chairman of inaction group Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), insisted that was exactly what residents DID want.

He said: “The majority of our members moved to Petersfield for the very reason that they didn’t want to live with the working classes. What exactly is an ‘affordable home’ anyway? We can afford to buy houses in Petersfield and surely that’s enough.

“If they mean low-cost houses, well of course we don’t want them. That goes without saying which is why I’m saying it. If the council is so keen on having low-earners living in the town why don’t they have more Labour Party members on the council?

“They don’t, which speaks for itself and which is why I’m speaking about it. Of course the lower classes want to live in Petersfield – it’s a bloody nice middle-class town. But it wouldn’t stay that way if we let in tradesmen and shop workers now would it?”

Payne insisted his group was not comprised entirely of middle-class snobs and social climbers, despite their avowed intention to not allow any houses worth less than £500,000 to be built in the area.

“Admittedly many of our members are middle-class snobs,” he explained. “But to say that PRATS is comprised entirely of middle-class snobs and social climbers is forgetting Alan, who is a stockbroker and was born in Bordon.

“Indeed many of our members are against social climbers, hence the reason we wish to keep the working classes out of the town. But we are not anti-working-class per se. Many of us employ dozens of them and only this week I had two round all morning to repair the hot-tub.

“But if affordable housing means we would be forced to have them living in our midst then we are against the idea. They have to be realistic – after all, how could they afford to pay £3.50 for a cup of coffee every day.

“I think Cllr Watkinson has this one wrong, after all he is meant to represent the views of his existing ward, not those who might come into it if some unscrupulous developer was able to build a four-storey block of flats on a manhole cover.”

Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”

Petersfield bookshop still trading SHOCKER

Healthy signs at Two Veg Books

Two Veg Books, on Lavant Street, has been named as the best independent bookstore still in business.

While other bookshops are in a perfect bind, Two Veg impressed the judges with its ability to put books on shelves; sell them; employ staff; and open and close at the ends of each day.

But what finally swung the judges in favour of Two Veg Books was its community support programme.

Owner Tim Fortea said: "Our cafe provides a much-needed source of cappaccino and latte in the community. After all, desperate times call for desperately large measures of premium-priced beverages."

*BBC disclaimer: Other coffee shops are available in Petersfield. In fact there's bloody dozens of 'em...

Pensioners demand a slice of the action

Mr Mussolini, not in picture, often has to send out for

pizza to be delivered to his flat

Petersfield pensioners are furious at the distance they have to travel to get an Italian meal in the town.

"The opening of Domino Pizza in Lavant Street has helped a bit - but it's still farcical how far some of my friends have to travel just for a simple pepperoni slice," moaned Ben Mussolini, chairman of the town branch of PUF (Pensioners' Union of Fascists).

"OK, residents of Chapel Street are fine with Pizza Express and Papa John's right on their doorstep - but what about those living nearer the Square? They probably can't afford the prices of La Piazetta and will have to make their way right into the High Street to ASK. It's a disgrace - the battery on my mobility scooter often runs out before I get home with my margherita."

Mr Mussolini, aged 126, added: " I have lived here since I escaped, er, emigrated from Rome in 1944 and I can't believe that in all that time the people of Petersfield haven't taken to the delights of Italian food."

A spokesman for East Hampshire District Council confirmed they had been in receipt of a number of complaints and said: "We are setting up a working party to see why there are so few Italian food outlets in Petersfield.

"Obviously it remains a concern for us as does the lack of suitable venues to enjoy a coffee or place a bet. These things are important to the residents of the town and our councillors are desperate for their votes."