Survival not nailed-on certainty

 Richard Bingham, behind closed doors since 1974

In a dramatic turn of events, a shop about which few people have heard and even fewer use, is in danger of closing unless more people know about it and use it.

The Unitary bookshop is located in a series of underground tunnels originally built in the 60s to house right-wing Conservative councillors in case of a left-wing revolution. As the Cold War due to a close, Glasnost prevailed and Tony Blair headed the Labour Party, all fears of the left-wing ever having a voice again faded completely and one of the dark tunnels was turned over to the entrepreneurial Archbishop of Herne Farm who inaugurated a secular, yet highly religious bookshop within.

Now, after more than 30 years of waiting for somebody to come through the door, the bookshop is in danger of closing. It is news which has saddened several of the volunteers who work there.

Richard Bingham, the seventh Earl of Lucan, has volunteered in the shop since 1974 and was distraught to learn of its possible closure.

With his words spoken by an actor, he said: “I’ve been hidden here for more than 30 years and the thought of having to move somewhere else if the shop should close is heartbreaking. It’s come as something of a shock – almost as much of a shock as that day in 1987 when somebody came in. But he was looking for the Physic garden and we were able to send him on his way.

“By the way, what IS a Physic Garden ?”

A spokesman for rival capitalist bookshop Hellstones, Lucifer Dark-Lord, said: “It’s such a shame that in a largely secular society there is no room for a shop such as this: one selling cards, books and wooden toys designed to brainwash people into denying science.

“Mind you the authors of those books have been around for years trying to flog their wares. It’s time for the new bright young authors like Richard Dawkins to have a chance at hitting the bestseller lists.”

The Unitary Bookshop is a family run business still managed by three generations: father, son and holy nephew. A spokesman recalled: “We’ve always had a variety of books. The first book was Genesis – we sold a lot of those until people started bringing them back having thought they were a biography of a 70s rock band.

Volume control

Camouflage brackets available for £9.99, if you can find one

Petersfield’s leading newspaper the Petersfield Proust is offering its readers the opportunity to own an extensive 24-volume encyclopaedia charting the history of World War II.

Impress your friends with this enormous collection that will, depending upon the size of your house, take up an entire wall.

Very wide – once you have factored in all 48 covers – and incredibly heavy, this collection will need additional wall brackets to ensure your shelf can support the weight. Special camouflage wall brackets can be purchased at the discounted cost of only £9.99 each.

The first volume is absolutely free, enticing you into starting your collection. The publisher’s hope is that once you’ve started, a bit like Hitler, you just won’t be able to stop yourself.

The collection takes just under half a year to complete – around one twelfth the length of the war itself – and while it doesn’t cost a ‘bomb’ you will need to ‘shell’ out £2.99 for each book. Ideal for anybody with more money than sense and perhaps, ultimately, the plaster removing from an old wall.

The ultimate cost is approaching £70 and, spread over half a year, you’ll probably never notice that hard-earned cash trickling from your account. You could actually buy several proper well-written tomes on the subject of World War II for that kind of money but don’t let that put you off, just think of the visual spectacle in your home.

The publisher accepts no responsibility for the damage to your shelf and wall as your collection grows, neither will it refund the cost of volumes purchased should you decide that you are wasting your money.

How about a decent newspaper spread over the year in 52 weekly instalments? That would be a lot better.

Petersfield bookshop still trading SHOCKER

Healthy signs at Two Veg Books

Two Veg Books, on Lavant Street, has been named as the best independent bookstore still in business.

While other bookshops are in a perfect bind, Two Veg impressed the judges with its ability to put books on shelves; sell them; employ staff; and open and close at the ends of each day.

But what finally swung the judges in favour of Two Veg Books was its community support programme.

Owner Tim Fortea said: "Our cafe provides a much-needed source of cappaccino and latte in the community. After all, desperate times call for desperately large measures of premium-priced beverages."

*BBC disclaimer: Other coffee shops are available in Petersfield. In fact there's bloody dozens of 'em...

Lost: Library noticeboard for lost and found

Action from one of the library's many exercise classes

Yoga teachers, odd-job gardeners and coffee-morning organisers are up in arms over the temporary closure of Petersfield Library.

"Where else are we going to pin up our badly designed, ill though-out and appallingly spelt notices for classes and events that haven’t been running for around 18 months?” squealed Maud Simpkins, yoga mistress and part-time landscaper.

“There’s also the issue of where all the old codgers are going to go to keep warm – we’re talking about January you know!”

Members of the official Post Office queue have suggested the library notice board could be moved out into the square to give them something to snigger about during the long, dark hours of waiting for a stamp.

The refurbished library is due to re-open in summer 2010 complete with coffee shop, hairdresser’s section and estate agency.

Spokesman Roger Reader said: “We had to do something to bump up numbers and a working group identified the lack of these facilities in the town.

“Books? Well, we might still have a few left in the corner – but try Amazon. Theirs aren’t all dog-eared with pages stuck together with unidentifiable substances – plus they’ll bring them straight to your door and you won’t have to bring them back when you’ve finished reading them. I don’t know why we didn’t think of that…”