Petersfield's pizza posters pasta joke admits Justice Secretary

A typical Petersfield doormat this morning ...

the lower end of town clearly

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke is to push an act through Parliament which will allow householders in Petersfield to bludgeon to death anybody delivering pizza menus through their door.

The veteran minister, who first served in a Tory government in the 19th century, wants to ensure householders are not prosecuted for violently killing anybody trespassing on their property.

And the latest addition to the proposed white paper, relating to pizza leaflets in Petersfield, follows a direct appeal from the local MP, Damian Hindsight.

Hindsight explained: “At my weekly surgery in Petersfield there are always three things that crop up more than any other: the excessive amounts of pizza leaflets delivered through people’s door; teenagers who wear their trousers halfway down their buttocks; and the lack of a good juggler on Britain’s Got Talent.

“The Justice Secretary’s proposal will allow residents to use ‘reasonable force’ against anybody found delivering pizza leaflets – and anybody who lives in Petersfield knows that ‘reasonable force’ will just about cover anything as far as this goes.

“Only last week an elderly man had his leg crushed when a pile of pizza leaflets in his hallway tumbled over and pinned him to the wall. Clearly those responsible should be beaten to within the thick cheese-filled crust of their life. And made to provide complimentary potato wedges for life with every order over £15 – Tuesdays only. Does not apply to home delivery.

“We will, however, protect the right of the entrepreneurial barista to charge up to £5 for a cup of coffee in the town.”

Clarke told the House of Commons: “There is no doubt that you or I or anybody else is entitled to use reasonable force to defend ourselves and to protect ourselves or our homes from excessive pizza leaflets. That has to be the law and we are going to make that absolutely clear. We are clarifying the law.”

A spokesman for the East Hampshire branch of real-ale-drinking environmentalist group Greenpissed also welcomed the ruling, saying it would have a positive effect on the environment.

“It will also have a positive effect on the environment,” he said. “Every year in Petersfield alone the council has to dispose of 400,000 tons of pizza menu leaflets at a cost of £500,000 to the taxpayer. Even if we just recycled it correctly the change would be huge as the pulp would be sufficient to build a three-storey coffee shop in town.”

Not everybody welcomed the news, however. Local resident and caterer Papa John said: “This is clearly an infringement of our human rights. It is the inalienable right of every man – and woman Reg – to be able to post an unspecified amount of crap through a neighbour’s letterbox. Although I have to admit that lot from Domino’s Pizzas do take the piss…”

Pizza The Royal Action

 A right royal feast 

  

With only one day to go until the royal wedding, Petersfield takeaway pizza outlet Papa Don’tretch, of Chapel Street, has designed a pizza that will be the envy of pavement artists up and down the land.

Franchise owner Pete Zarrman said: “So many people have royal wedding fever that we just had to do something special to cash in on this momentous occasion.”

The staff of the pizza emporium take about 15 seconds to create the pizza using a range of sickly toppings to create the stunning effect.

Kate Middleton’s veil will comprise mushrooms and her dress is made from a selection of cheeses including a little stilton for that something blue. William’s suit has been created from salami and peppers. To finish off the image an impressionistic confetti feel is achieved by adding capers, onion, tomato, beetroot, prawns, sweet corn and cauliflower.

“The public don’t have to have any skill at all,” Zarrman said. “You simply eat the pizza and then within 20 minutes we guarantee you will be creating your own spectacular pavement portrait of Wills and Kate.

“We recommend that you bend double to apply the mix, preferably with your face about three feet from the pavement.

“We also advise that you wear an old pair of trousers and shoes; the sort of thing you might wear to paint your house.”

Pensioners demand a slice of the action

Mr Mussolini, not in picture, often has to send out for

pizza to be delivered to his flat

Petersfield pensioners are furious at the distance they have to travel to get an Italian meal in the town.

"The opening of Domino Pizza in Lavant Street has helped a bit - but it's still farcical how far some of my friends have to travel just for a simple pepperoni slice," moaned Ben Mussolini, chairman of the town branch of PUF (Pensioners' Union of Fascists).

"OK, residents of Chapel Street are fine with Pizza Express and Papa John's right on their doorstep - but what about those living nearer the Square? They probably can't afford the prices of La Piazetta and will have to make their way right into the High Street to ASK. It's a disgrace - the battery on my mobility scooter often runs out before I get home with my margherita."

Mr Mussolini, aged 126, added: " I have lived here since I escaped, er, emigrated from Rome in 1944 and I can't believe that in all that time the people of Petersfield haven't taken to the delights of Italian food."

A spokesman for East Hampshire District Council confirmed they had been in receipt of a number of complaints and said: "We are setting up a working party to see why there are so few Italian food outlets in Petersfield.

"Obviously it remains a concern for us as does the lack of suitable venues to enjoy a coffee or place a bet. These things are important to the residents of the town and our councillors are desperate for their votes."