Clear forward planning required for Petersfield

Fuzzy planning calls for fuzzy pictures as used by the local press

 

Busybodies in Petersfield will hit the jackpot when the South Downs National Park Authority hosts a ‘Petersfield Plan’ workshop next month.

The authority’s chairman, Marge Inallyinterested, said: “This is really, really special; quite unique. And we need the people of Petersfield to tell us what they want for their town for the future.

“Clearly, if we just went ahead and did things, the people of Petersfield would simply write ill-informed letters of complaint to the local newspaper – that’s what they do.

“So we thought we’d invite 70 of them to come for a day’s all-in wrestling at Petersfield’s The Big School, to express their opinions.

“It’s clear to us that there will be a lot of people who will want to pedestrianise the town square while a similar number would oppose it. That’s just the sort of animated discussion which could last all day. And ultimately which way we vote will be determined by two falls or a submission.

“We don’t want all the usual suspects to come forward – those who are always volunteering to help. We want the busybodies who moan and bicker about everything and get people to sign worthless petitions. Those are the people whose opinions we really want to ignore.

“For me it is about saying ‘you work here’, ‘you live here’, and ‘you moan constantly about everything here’ so why not come and have your say? We can’t ignore your views if we don’t know what they are.”

A pedantic resident added: “It can’t be ‘quite unique’; it’s either unique or it isn’t.”

The 70 places on the day-long workshop on September 10, will undoubtedly be snapped up by people who don’t have to work and therefore will be hugely representative of the town.

Cam Payne, a spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS), said: “Bizarrely, I’m quite up for this. It will give me the opportunity to gainsay every view put forward. I’m not hypocritical. I’m against every thing, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. And if I’m not you can be damned sure I know somebody who is. Or isn’t, as the case may be…”