Beautiful results in Petersfield

 Betty would never have been used for a 2011 results photoshoot

Bojangles, Petersfield’s posh school has celebrated a record year for A level results.

A spokesman for the school confirmed that in 2011 no ugly girls or any boys received A level results – only attractive young girls, as shown by the pictures sent to the Petersfield Proust and the Times Educational Supplement (TES).

The spokesman admitted: “Naturally we always get good results at Bojangles – parents who pay through the nose to send their snotty kids here would not expect anything else. But in previous years boys and unattractive girls – some right mingers among them – have achieved high grades.

“This year we were delighted it was only pretty girls who achieved their results. We were sadly short of a set of blonde twins, but we feel we did quite well with what was available to us. What’s more they were ideally unable to keep hold of the pieces of paper upon which their results were printed, constatly throwing them into the air for dramatic effect." 

“There is great competition among schools, particularly in the private sector, to produce stunningly beautiful A* students and we are proud we seem to have surpassed our rivals in this field.

“It’s all very well getting five A*s and a good degree at Oxbridge, but only high cheekbones will ultimately allow you to find a millionaire husband. At Bojangles we specialise in producing students ideally equipped for this challenge of society. Plus we also run some extra-curricula courses in cannabis growing for those unfortunate enough not to have the perfect figure.”

The TES confirmed that Bojangles had sent the newspaper “pictures of girls celebrating their GCSE results. None included male students or ‘dowdier’ girls”, while a message “from Badminton School , in Bristol , said “Just wanting to give you some details of some absolutely ‘beyootiful’ girls we’ve got here who are getting their A level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories ... They’re amazing girls.”

Following today’s release of GCSE results, a spokesman for Petersfield Big School said: “We were bitterly disappointed with our GCSE coverage this year. Even though our pass rate was up, we made the classic mistake of offering up an overweight, spotty boy for the press picture.

“He has 12 A-stars and was offered a place at both Cambridge and Oxford to read law but unfortunately he was deemed ‘not the right media profile’ for any coverage at all. Plus he was unable to jump more than a couple of inches while waving his results notification..." 

Let’s face it kids, if you don’t get A levels plastic surgery is the only option.