Beautiful results in Petersfield

 Betty would never have been used for a 2011 results photoshoot

Bojangles, Petersfield’s posh school has celebrated a record year for A level results.

A spokesman for the school confirmed that in 2011 no ugly girls or any boys received A level results – only attractive young girls, as shown by the pictures sent to the Petersfield Proust and the Times Educational Supplement (TES).

The spokesman admitted: “Naturally we always get good results at Bojangles – parents who pay through the nose to send their snotty kids here would not expect anything else. But in previous years boys and unattractive girls – some right mingers among them – have achieved high grades.

“This year we were delighted it was only pretty girls who achieved their results. We were sadly short of a set of blonde twins, but we feel we did quite well with what was available to us. What’s more they were ideally unable to keep hold of the pieces of paper upon which their results were printed, constatly throwing them into the air for dramatic effect." 

“There is great competition among schools, particularly in the private sector, to produce stunningly beautiful A* students and we are proud we seem to have surpassed our rivals in this field.

“It’s all very well getting five A*s and a good degree at Oxbridge, but only high cheekbones will ultimately allow you to find a millionaire husband. At Bojangles we specialise in producing students ideally equipped for this challenge of society. Plus we also run some extra-curricula courses in cannabis growing for those unfortunate enough not to have the perfect figure.”

The TES confirmed that Bojangles had sent the newspaper “pictures of girls celebrating their GCSE results. None included male students or ‘dowdier’ girls”, while a message “from Badminton School , in Bristol , said “Just wanting to give you some details of some absolutely ‘beyootiful’ girls we’ve got here who are getting their A level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories ... They’re amazing girls.”

Following today’s release of GCSE results, a spokesman for Petersfield Big School said: “We were bitterly disappointed with our GCSE coverage this year. Even though our pass rate was up, we made the classic mistake of offering up an overweight, spotty boy for the press picture.

“He has 12 A-stars and was offered a place at both Cambridge and Oxford to read law but unfortunately he was deemed ‘not the right media profile’ for any coverage at all. Plus he was unable to jump more than a couple of inches while waving his results notification..." 

Let’s face it kids, if you don’t get A levels plastic surgery is the only option.

Such a let down

One of Bojangles' 18-year-old students models some regulation

Bojangles School pants during a disciplinary hearing last year

Al Truist, the Headteacher of Petersfield’s Bojangles School is livid following the recent news that saw the school’s name muddied in the nation’s press.

The scandal has seen news of a stolen whisky-fuelled, sand-covered sex romp splashed across all the nation’s newspapers with the exception of the Financial Times.

Truist had originally defended the actions of the children involved, stating unapologetically that sex, drugs and rock & roll are on the school curriculum, so Newswire  was confused as to what could be making him so angry...

“I have now seen the photograph that the press have used” blurted Truist. The Headteacher was referring to the image that Newswire had used last week.

“They’ve let me down, they’ve let their parents down, they’ve let Bojangles down, they’ve let themselves down and clearly that’s not all they’ve let down...

“If I’ve told them once, I’ve told them a thousand times – all girls must wear standard blue school knickers, no other colour is permissible.”

The drugs issues were so last year

 One of Bojangles sandpits yesterday

Petersfield’s Bojangles School has hit the news again after a sex-fuelled romp by 13-year-old students was splashed across the national papers.

It is claimed several children indulged in a sex-crazed orgy in the school sandpit after drinking whisky stolen from Waitrose.

Head teacher Al Truist asked Newswire to emphasise the whisky came from Waitrose.

He said: “We have a long-standing relationship with Waitrose, and I wouldn’t want the public to think that our students obtain their commodities from any other Petersfield store.”

When quizzed on the sandpit-alcohol-fuelled-sex romp he didn’t seem at all surprised or worried.

He added: “It’s all about the kind of clientele we are trying to attract; we pride ourselves here at Bojangles in moulding the students’ necessary life skills – the qualities they will need as they venture out into the big wide world.

“These requirements vary from establishment to establishment, but here we have to cater for the needs of the progeny of the rich and famous.

“Jude Law is one of our current group of high profile parents and former pupils have included model Sophie Dahl, actor Daniel Day-Lewis and pop star Lily Allen.

“It is simply not enough to tutor these people how to make clay pots ... Sex and drugs and rock and roll definitely need to be on the syllabus and these pupils were simply involved in a ‘practical’.”

Badger set

A lakeside resort like the one targeted by the Badgers

Three brothers from Petersfield are looking to have the holiday of a lifetime and certainly for the two still living at home, escape the nagging of their parents telling them to go out and get a summer job.

17-year-old Bojangles student Zach Badger, who we understand likes fresh air, has convinced two of his brothers to spend a week in July and the whole of August camped out in Yukon territory.

The destination is in Alaska, 15 miles from the nearest city and 7 miles from the closest five-star hotel.

Older brothers Grenville (24) and Tarquin (27), who both study at the National Film and Television School in London, will film their holiday using a camera daddy bought Grenville for Christmas.

Tarquin was extremely enthusiastic about the “project”, telling us: “Ya, it’s basically a holiday. The weather is at its best at that time of year and it will be great to get a proper six-week break to relax.

“With my contacts, we are even hoping that we might be able to sell the footage when we get back and make a small fortune.

"I've seen short films like this before and the shakier the filming the better the impact, so we should be able to put together a 'reel' blockbuster." 

The Badgers will take a combination of five flights to reach their paradise destination, including a float plane which will touch down on one of the lakes.

The brothers intend to canoe up river and find somewhere to erect a shelter, put up hammocks and a large parasol and basically chill out for the next six weeks. 

Grenville added: “The boats do have engines and we’ll have a tent but we will probably give paddling and shack-building a go for the camera.

“Once we’ve settled in we will all enjoy swimming, fishing and a bit more swimming. We want some quality time and this should be perfect.”

The Badgers are taking one satellite phone and a GPS tracker with them in case of emergencies, but they want to avoid any unnecessary contact with the outside world if it can be avoided.

Tarquin clarified: “We will only be able to take a limited stock of beer and food upriver in the canoes so we will need to make contact to arrange for our beer and supplies to be airlifted in once we have decided where to set up camp.

"We won't have a fridge, but the water should keep the beer cold enough." 

Zach explained: “I thought about doing it last summer but mummy and daddy had already paid for Grenville and me to do a short tour around Uruguay, Argentina, Chile, Peru, Bolivia and Paraguay so it seemed sensible to put it off for a year.

“I’ve been asked if I couldn’t do this alone, but where’s the fun in that. This is supposed to be a holiday.”

Tarquin is looking for sponsorship for the expedition: “What would be really great is if someone else would come in and pay for all the flights, supplies and beer; that would be awesome.”

If you want to pay for the Badgers’ holiday please visit the expedition website: badgerboyzontour.co.uk.