Town insists ‘Park still loves me’

A traditional Mongolian erection on such a proud day

Councillors are insisting that the new South Downs National Park still loves Petersfield – and the passing infatuation with HQ rival Midhurst is nothing more than ‘a crush’.

“We’re not bitter about the national park selecting that West Sussex slut Midhurst for its HQ,” said Cllr Buster Hill of Petersfield Town Council’s committee for old ramblers.

“We know that deep down we’re the town that the park likes and it will one day return the HQ to where it belongs – to a proper town with a square, a statue and everything.

“Midhurst was merely an ‘easy’ option at the time and the park is young and doesn’t know its own mind yet. One day it will see sense and we’ll be waiting.

“That’s why we’re throwing a party for the park today with schoolchildren, a Mongolian yurt – whatever that is – and some zorbers. If that doesn’t prove how serious we are, nothing will!”

Rumours that Mr Hill was all set to ‘punch Midhurst mayor John Smug’s ****ing lights out’ if he dared to show his face in Petersfield were dismissed as nonsense, although Mrs Hill was heard to murmur “Don’t do it Buster, he’s not worth it…”

Spy scandal hits Petersfield

 

Signal flag clearly visible near to the back of the Pilates Gym 

Newswire can report that a network of spies is working in the centre of Petersfield.

It is understood the spies are passing information to Midhurst Town Council and that it is possible that they were instrumental in ensuring that Midhurst would be the location of the South Downs administrative head office.

It would appear the spy ring proved so invaluable to Petersfield’s rival town that Midhurst officials are continuing to employ these underhand snitches to feed back valuable information for shopkeepers in the potentially profitable run-up to Christmas.

A double-agent, happy to take a back-hander from Newswire could not divulge much information, but pointed out a signal system positioned in the gardens at the back of Waitrose car park. This is clearly visible to the public and is positioned next to the Pilates gym.

We are reliably informed that the spy leaving the messages is codenamed “Pugwash”.

The flag currently hoisted is the black and yellow quartered maritime flag which represents the letter “L”. When used as a stand-alone communication, the flag conveys the message: “Please stop.I have something important to communicate to you”.

This could be a sign that the spies are getting careless, blatantly leaving messages that any old sailor or boy scout could interpret.

If any of our readers can provide any further information that will help us to expose these miscreants please contact us and let us know.

War of the Words

The bugler sounds a call to arms

War is looming after Petersfield's marketing slogan ,"the heart of the South Downs", was stolen by neighbouring Midhurst, word for word.

Marketing designers more used to drawing bezier curves than battle lines have led the two towns into direct military confrontation over the vapid strapline.

Petersfield adopted the slogan as a way of making people think the town is absolutely central to the South Downs National Park , an area which extends 65 miles one way and 17 the other. Days later, Midhurst councillors had the exact same lack of imagination.

This matter will now be resolved in the traditional manner, with a pitched battle on fields near Rogate.

Petersfield start as favourites as their troops will be march into battle while protected by layers of foam bought from that man in the market. The town is also building affordable homes as fast as it can to house additional warriors.

Any prisoners of war taken from Midhurst will be marched into Petersfield and made to stand in line in a humiliating and degrading parade called The Post Office queue.

Meanwhile, the department of straplines at Pennywhistle Place is considering alternative slogans including:

Petersfield: building on our heritage.

Petersfield: only 11 miles from Havant.