Bird-brained plan

Finger lickin' good, and that was just the pole-dancing club

Residents could pay a heavy, finger-lickin’ price after the ex-White Hart was snubbed in this year’s Petersfield In Bloom.

Owner Max Prophet has come up with a zinger of a plan to hit back at the ‘floral snobs’ who overlooked his ‘Victorian wild meadow’ effort to win the top horticultural accolade.

“How can someone with a couple of dried up window boxes beat my offering?” he moaned. “My installation has been described by professionals as akin to a vertical Kew Gardens, put in place for the delight of the Petersfield public.”

But Prophet has sworn vengeance on the town and has come up with a nightmare scenario.

“At first I considered turning the White Hart into a lap-dancing club, with massage parlour upstairs,” he revealed in an exclusive Newswire interview. “But then I realised that most members of PRAT (Petersfield Residents Against Things) would actually be it’s biggest customers – albeit by sneaking in the back door, so to speak.

“Then I hit on a scheme to really bring shame on the area. I can’t say too much about it but it’s a joint project with a certain Colonel from, er, Kentucky and it will give me revenge by the bucketload…bargain buckets, you might say.”

Blooming marvellous

 

 The stunning display at what was the White Hart

‘Petersfield in Bloom’ judges may have a difficult decision to make when deciding this year’s winners - unbelievable really when nearly all townsfolk thought the matter was going to be a mere formality.

The facade of The Ill Intent is such a splendid splash of colour this year that presenting the coveted award to anyone else did seem as though it would be a complete travesty.

The transformation of the front of the popular pub has been achieved in the worrying knowledge that the building could have been levelled at any time to make way for a Roman excavation.

But, there’s a new kid on the block.

What was once a rival pub, The White Hart has turned itself into a vertical garden and is a fantastic display of greenery with a splash of colour in the way of roses to set off the ivy. Even the ‘for sale’ signs have been removed to enhance the effect.

A passing Charlie Dimmock, who has struggled to find work on the telly lately, acknowledged the quality of the building. The bra-less dibber said: “This is architectural gardening of the highest order. You need to consider the healthy and vigorous growth and the fantastic form.

 Dimmock, trying to get somebody interested

in her water features

  

“This type of structural display doesn’t just happen, it takes years of planning and I understand the owners have been insistent that nobody parks anywhere near to the greenery to ensure healthy growth.

“This is a real ‘tour de force’; gardeners will come from miles around to see this.

“Do you know how I can get hold of the owners? Firstly I really think this display would benefit from a water feature here at the front. Secondly I need to speak to somebody about the clamp on my car...”

Bloomin' 'eck - we can all win

Petersfield in Bloom organisers have added several new categories for the 2010 event to widen the parameters of entry.

A spokesman confirmed to Petersfield Newswire that seven new categories had been added to the private garden section and one for commercial property.

These include:

• Most rusting kids' toys
• Potted plant on untaxed car
• Most colourful mattress
• Random bits of timber as modern art
• Car engine as flower pot 
• Broken furniture with ivy
• Glass bottles awaiting recycling
• Best decorated skip

The spokesman confirmed: "In the past there has been criticism that the competition was 'elitist' - that it attracted entries only from a certain type of person.

"While we refute that claim these changes should appeal to the, shall we say, less house-proud citizens of the town and be hugely competitive."

This year's event is sponsored by Papa John's and Domino's, whose leaflets are expected to feature highly in the gardens of the above categories.

Entries to this year's Petersfield in Bloom competition should be written on a McDonalds take-away bag and left to rot in the gutter, in keeping with the new categories of the competition.