It’s a Twister

 

The people of Petersfield were terrorised by high winds yesterday as a tornado swept through the area.

Trees were uprooted, fences blown over, countless buildings damaged and a hot air balloon torn from its moorings and blown out of sight.

The owner of the balloon, Professor Marvel, was asked by the police in which direction it had disappeared, and, appearing somewhat dazed, he said: “Away above the chimney tops." Asked if he could be a little more helpful he added: “Somewhere over the rainbow."

The professor was taken to the local hospital for tests.

Although no-one was badly injured one woman, Dorothy Gale, rang the police to report that she had lost her little dog. Ms Gale scoured the local area after the storm has subsided calling: “Come out, come out, wherever you are” but to no avail.

The appropriately named Ms Gale described the dog as: "A scruffy little rat-sized pooch, with an annoying yap, that answers to the name of Toto."

Anyone finding the dog should contact Dorothy, or in her absence, her Aunty Em on 01730 020202.

Playing-field sell-off leads to untold riches

Security staff have been called in to protect the motherlode

A local school, so desperate for cash that it resorted to selling some of its land to one of the huge supermarket chains, has struck oil.

Market Town Big School's head teacher, Dee Tention, sold some of her school land to make life more comfortable for current staff and in the hope that modern facilities would improve results.

At the time many local residents were up in arms, claiming that the land was irreplaceable and that the health of children, which should be paramount, would suffer as playing fields and sports facilities were given up.

But the sale of the land controversially went through and the improvement of school facilities is going ahead. And first to be completed was the head teacher's new office.

“It’s fabulous.” said Tention. “Oak panelled walls, antique furniture and the seal skin wing-back armchairs are more luxurious than I ever imagined they'd be. They're so well finished.

“The only slight down side to this is that my sauna and steam room will now have to be put on hold. You see I was having a room added below ground level, underneath my office; and it was while the workmen were digging the foundations that they struck oil.”

Specialists have been called in to establish how much oil there is under the school, but the future of the site now looks secure - and plans to sell off more of the playing fields can be put on hold, perhaps permanently.

Tention said: “This should guarantee us an “outstanding” at the next Ofsted inspection, and I can start looking at five-star cruises for next summer.”

Flood terror hits Petersfield

The scenes of carnage this morning at

Monks Vineyard - contributed picture

The emergency services and local coastguard were mobilised early this morning when a Petersfield woman became concerned at the presence of rising flood-water.

Gwendolyn Ponsonby-Landowner, who lives in Monks Vineyard, said: “I was woken in the night by the tremendous noise generated by the torrential downpour on the lead roofs of the staff cottages.

“I was so concerned an hour later that I woke our chauffeur and sent him out into the garden to see how bad it had got. Shockingly, he reported that the rain had come down so heavily and so quickly that the standing water was rising above the level of our decking.

“After a quick consultation with our insurance broker we were advised to contact the emergency services as we have some very expensive patio furniture and some rare orchids on the decking.

“Fortunately these were airlifted to my husband’s Chelsea flat at the cost of only several thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money. What might have happened if we hadn’t reacted so swiftly doesn’t bear thinking about.

“We’ve already had to cancel a Conservative Party fundraiser we had planned in a marquee this weekend. I’m not sure people in other parts of the country realise how bad it could have been.”

A spokesman for Hampshire Air Ambulance said: “For Christ’s sake…”

Action at Post Office ... for a change

Staff at the Post office have taken action

to entertain the crowds

Petersfield Post Office has taken the initiative in the ongoing queueing furore, by offering entertainment to its customers.

Some time ago the Post Office fitted a TV screen in its Petersfield branch, in front of the queue above the serving counter, which has been showing a cycle of adverts starring archetypal northern actor John Henshaw.

Now, however, Post Office officials have announced they have been granted the required permission to show many of the UK's favourite comedy shows - and these will now be broadcast continually from the moment the doors open to the time the branch shuts.

Anticipating the enormous wait that might lay ahead, customers can time their visit to the Post Office to coincide with their favourite shows. The final list has yet to be agreed but an early draft suggests fans of Porridge will do well to buy their stamps on a Monday, whilst those waiting to send a parcel overseas on a Saturday will be entertained by family favourite Only Fools and Horses.

Dee Livery, speaking for the Post Office, said: "We still have a few daft old pensioners who come in for their pension on a Thursday, so we thought that would be a good day to show Dad's Army.

"We are often accused of not planning ahead - well rest assured, any further deterioration in the service will see us showing feature-length films."

Three-lane whip as cars find themselves out in the cold

While controversial plans to pedestrianise the High Street and the town square seem sure to be thrown out, Petersfield Newswire can exclusively reveal that cars are to be banished from the High Street.

In an effort to make the High Street more attractive to residents and visitors to the town - and in a token effort to appear to be concerned about the environment - new lanes were this morning on trial in the town centre.

The High Street was made 'one-way' heading towards the war memorial with three lanes indicated: a bus lane, a cycle lane and a mobility scooter lane - leaving no room whatsoever for cars.

But a spokesman for East Hampshire District Council refuted claims that cars had been banned from the new lay-out in the High Street.

Mel Thpiece explained: "The intention is not to ban cars. They are perfectly at liberty to use the High Street as before; the problem is there is actually nowhere for them to drive.

"The cycle lane is important because we want to encourage as many people as possible to use bikes in order for us to qualify for a Government environmental support grant. Plus I have a share in the only shop in town which sells cycle helmets.

"The demographics of Petersfield's population shows that it has a much higher proportion of old and elderly residents than many other towns and we need to take this into account when planning for 'tomorrow'. That's not just 'tomorrow' as in Friday, you understand; it's a generic term we in bureacracies use for 'the future', just to sound hip and green.

"So the bus lane is essential because we give out tokens and have to justify the promotion and the mobility scooter lane is essential because Petersfield has more mobility scooters per capita than any other town in Western civilisation.

"This will enable the elderly and the infirm to move around Petersfield safely while not getting in the way of everybody else as they do currently. And as a further step to encourage use of the lanes and of our local retail outlets, we are also passing a bylaw which states all shop windows have to be bi-focal to ease the burden on the elderly eyesight.

The new lane lay-out was trialled this morning with some success

"So, as you can see - providing of course, you're looking through a bi-focal window - cars are not being ostracised they are merely being squeezed out, almost literally. There is just no room for them on the High Street. However, the bus lane only operates between 5am and 11pm, so cars are free to use it at any other time."

While the new lay-out was well received by crumblies and mad unwashed hippies, it did not go down well with solid Conservative types like jeweller and haberdasher, Matt Tress. 

"This outrageous!" he stormed. "Why do they take notice of these ridiculous demographic studies? My own ridiculous demographic study shows that people who pointlessly drive massive 4x4s have much more disposable income than those on mobility scooters.

"People on mobility scooters currently serve a useful purpose when they stop in the middle of the road for an arbitary reason. That holds traffic up and allows me to drag people into the jeweller's shop.

"Admittedly they are much more likely to be killed as they are tossed across the square by the bull-bars on a 4x4 than they would be in a specialist lane, but that's a small price to pay for continued capitalism."

Joy Unbridled, 94, a spokesman for Petersfield Elderly Groups in Tandem (PEGIT), said: "I'm 94 you know..."

Help a northern child for Christmas

Petersfield Newswire is joining forces with the town’s Upper Crust Deli to help poor unfortunate northern children this Christmas.

Not only do these poor waifs have to live in the shadow of both coal mines and nuclear power stations, they barely get to see the sun through the natural chemical fumes of their industrialised atmosphere.

"They won’t be jetting off for a traditional sunny Christmas in the Seychelles or skiing at Klosters like most ordinary people," said Marmaduke Smug, proprieter of Upper Crust.

"They’ve got more chance of getting a tan in their living rooms from their 92-inch plasma screens!

"The poor mites – or little sods as I believe they’re often called – will also probably have to make do with a plain old roast turkey pumped full of growth hormones as their main festive meal, and their seasonal gifts are likely to be cheap tacky trinkets like a Playstation3.

"That’s why we thought we’d show these pasty-faced, malnourished tearaways some good old-fashioned southern hospitality and send them some traditional goodwill … in the form of special Christmas hampers."

The Upper Crust Petersfield Newswire hampers will include basic essentials like pitted Italian olives with feta cheese, sundried tomatoes mixed with peppers, caramelised onion bread drizzled with truffle oil, foccacia sheets topped with cherry tomatoes, and a few salt-crusted red snappers.

"We are considering adding some beluga caviar to each one – but it’s best not to go too over the top. We wouldn’t want to patronise our northern cousins just because they’re scum," says Marm.

If you’d like to help out with this appeal to help those less fortunate than ourselves, simply send us some cash (Paypal is most acceptable) before Christmas – in fact, send it whenever you like, it will still go to a good cause.

A question of answers

Tensions boiled over at the Square Brewery pub quiz as arguments erupted between competitors and the quizmaster.

The problems stemmed when several disgruntled voices queried the official answer to a seemingly innocent question and escalated to the point where bar staff issued free nuts and crisps in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

The offending question asked if the Great Wall of China could be seen from space with seven of the eight teams present answering yes, the incorrect answer.

Major Harry Gant, team captain of Three Blokes – No Chance said: “Everyone knows the Great Wall of China can be seen from space.

“We all answered yes and it’s ridiculous it has come to this, he should have just given us the points.

“I’ve lived in Petersfield nearly 40 years and this is the first time anyone has ever questioned my opinion, its outrageous.”

Petersfield quiz champion Mr Mind, the only man to answer correctly, said: “Quizzes have changed and people aren’t happy about it.

“It’d be a lot easier if we went with the most popular answer for every question but that’s just not happening.”

Quizmaster Noel de Answers said: “It was all my fault really, people weren’t happy with the answers so I should have changed them.

“I’m new to Petersfield quizzes and didn’t realise that everyone here is right. But don’t worry we’ll be back the week after next.”

Job Centre Drums up more business

Petersfield Job Centre has the recession covered

Petersfield Job Centre has announced some welcome assistance to the town's burgeoning jobless population.

Mr N M Ployed from the Job Centre today unveiled a canopy that stretches from the Job Centre to The Drum public house, providing shelter for people leaving employment interviews.

Mr Ployed pointed out: “Most of our customers leave our office and head straight to The Drum to celebrate our continued failure to find them work.

“So often these people would get wet as they try to smoke a quick fag during the 30-yard walk to the hostelry, now they can stay dry thanks to this forward-thinking initiative."

Postal action strikes a chord

Postal workers have been amazed by the phenomenal support Petersfield residents have given their strike action.

Hundreds of people came out to back the cause and formed one of the largest picket lines in the country, extending across the town square and down the High Street.

Strike leader Trey Sunion said: “The support we’ve had is overwhelming. People give us a lot of flak at times about the postal service and the queues here, but this goes to show when the chips are down they’re all backing us.

“We’ve had a few scabs crossing the picket and the response was unbelievable, hundreds of people shouting their heads off at them. They’ll think twice before doing it again.”

Basil Duffer, of Barham Road, was among those supporting the strike. The 86-year-old said: “I’m a regular customer of this post office and I can honestly say this is the worst it’s ever been.

“We all expect to queue but I’ve been here all day today and it literally hasn’t moved an inch. It’s ridiculous.

“Early on a couple of people obviously got fed up and went to walk straight to the front but we all gave them an earful and no one’s tried it since.”

Red Lion could be roaring success again

Shazza: "We likes it as it is like..."

Ever-expanding pub chain J D Wetherspoon is set to take over the Red Lion pub in College Street, Petersfield.

But Petersfield residents have mixed feelings regarding the news, at least according to our hastily convened vox pop.

We spoke to four young customers who were seated outside the Red Lion, in the car park - Duane, Shazza, Troy and Tyler - none of whom would divulge their age.

“Nightmare,” said Troy. “I mean, what’s wrong with it as it is?”

Shazza added: “Yeah we likes it as it is, like. You only has to get one drink of coke to get a glass an then you can top up with vodka from a bottle all night like.”

Tyler could see problems with the new management.

“Do Thunderspoons or whatever they are called ‘ave bouncers?" he mused, unexpectedly. "They do don’t they? Outside like.”

Duane chipped in: “Nightmare”.

We also spoke to Norma Leah Brandy, 86, from The Spain.

She said: "It's got to be good news, definitely good news; well I mean, the Red Lion is crap isn’t it? I only come here because I’m barred from all the other pubs. This place will let anyone in.”

'The Killing Fields' claims first victim

Spectators at the Penns Place pitches cheer

on sons, daughters and siblings

Petersfield police have called off the search for a missing nine-year-old boy at the Taro fields after he admitted ‘I went for a flight in my dad’s helium balloon’.

Residents have been concerned for some time that the length of the grass on the football pitches at Penns Place - known locally now as The Killing Fields - could cause a serious injury to a small child or dog and on Sunday, nine-year-old Gavin Thomas went missing while playing in a match for Petersfield Town Juniors.

His manager Paul’ Chopper’ Harris said: “It was quite distressing. Young Gavin went chasing a ball down the wing to where the grass is longest and suddenly completely disappeared from sight.

“The grass on the pitches has been far too long for some time now and we’re used to losing balls and water bottles but this is the first time we’ve misplaced a midfielder. The game was abandoned after parents expressed fears there may be a dangerous wild animal lurking near the corner flag or in the six-yard-box. You’d never spot it these days.”

The local police were called in and, after travelling from their base at Matlock, in Derbyshire, started a thorough search of the area.

Police constable Les Beavinya said: “It wasn’t easy. You really need a 4x4 to traverse the sports pitches outside the Taro Centre these days and it’s hardly surprising the young lad disappeared.

“Indeed during the search we misplaced two Alsatians and a female special constable, Miss Eve Ningall. Once the sun started to set we decided it was too dangerous to continue as the goalmouths on the main pitch are like mangrove swamps and anything could be lurking within.”

The search resumed the next day and police were not hopeful. But they called off their search after the boy’s parents called to say he had been discovered 40 miles away after catching a lift on his father’s home-made helium balloon.

Young Gavin admitted: “I chased the ball down to the corner flag but suddenly it got really dark and the grass towered over me. I found a couple of stray dodos and by the time we’d come out I was miles from the pitch so I just went home with the dodos and crawled into Dad’s balloon that he was about to set off.

“When I realised the problems I’d caused I was too scared to come out and own up.”

PC Beavinya added: “We are looking into the possibility of cutting the grass ourselves in the hope we might find our missing sniffer dogs – not to mention Eve Ningall.

“Apparently the pitches have been allowed to grow to that length because the groundsman responsible has developed an unusual all-year case of hay-fever which does not allow him to come into contact with grass.

“It’s a rather unfortunate thing to happen given his choice of career, but we can’t afford to wait for a cure to be found. We may lose goalposts next…”

■ Anybody able to offer the police the use of a large pair of shears should call PC Les Beavinya on Petersfield 111111

The ‘Eh?’

COMMUNITY NOTICEBOARD

If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire … the PRATTs.

Petersfield Residents Against Thousands of Things (PRATTS) have a willing army of outspoken busybodies and know-it-alls ready to help launch a campaign of ill-informed complaint at the drop of a hat.

"The trouble with Petersfield is there’s so very little to genuinely moan about that our legion of grouchy old gits often have nowhere to direct their natural ire and disdain for the general population," said newly-elected chairman Matt Tress, who ousted former supremo Harris Tweed in a recent bloody coup.

"If you have a problem that seems inconsequential to everyone you know but you need someone with a really pointless argument to back you up, we’ll do it.

"We can orchestrate a fully fledged campaign of ill-thought out whinging so that it seems like you have the whole town behind you. We’ll write letters – and emails – to the local press, organise petitions, and even stage a vigil on your behalf.

"Parking, young people enjoying themselves, and traffic – either too much or too little – are obvious issues to raise and we have ready-made pointless campaigns in place and ready to go.

"But basically, whether you want to complain about an individual piece of litter, a particularly chivvy neighbour or the lack of dogs’ mess in your area, look no further – our members have nothing better to do and we’ll raise a stink about it."

If you wish to contact PRATTS, simply park your car a little too far from the kerb or leave your hedge unclipped for a week or two, and they will be in touch…

Tweed goes out of fashion

A man very few people have heard of has been forced to resign from a committee in which nobody is interested.

Harris Tweed, the chairman of Petersfield Residents Against Thousands of Things (PRATTS) has been ousted from his position following a hastily arranged meeting of other Pratts.

Tweed, a retired geography teacher, was away visiting his tailor, getting new leather patches sewn on the sleeves of his jacket, and had no knowledge of the meeting.

A spokesman for Pratts claimed Tweed resigned of his own free will while being stretched on a rack in the town museum; a story refuted by Tweed.

He said: “I go away for one day and these ambitious, self-aggrandising, back-stabbing bastards get rid of me. And why? Nobody will say. It can’t be because I’ve done something wrong. I haven’t done anything. Period. That’s what this committee is all about – sitting down and pontificating. We’re not expected to achieve anything.

“I heard I was supposed to have resigned. Why would I want to do that? I was on a nice little jolly. This is about ambition and somebody wanting to take over my luxury leather lounger …”

Aaron ‘Cynthia’ Lennon, a prominent right-winger, is the front-runner to succeed Tweed should anybody be bothered to reconstitute the committee. A spokesman for bookmaker William Hill said: “Who?”

Council to blame for Winter Olympics omission claims local nutcase

Petersfield’s attempt to be accepted as a bidding venue for the 2018 Winter Olympics has failed – and disappointed organisers are blaming the town council.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has just announced that Annecy (France), Munich (Germany) and PyeongChang (Republic of Korea) will fight it out to host the games leaving Petersfield out in the cold … or rather not.

The lack of suitable winter conditions was cited by the IOC as one of the reasons Petersfield’s bid would not get any further.

But bid leader, haberdasher and jeweller Matt Tress, believes the real reason the town’s bid failed is the intransigence of the town council.

"We admit we don’t get that much snow,” said Tress. “But we could have imported some had the town council agreed to fund it. The lake gets quite icy on occasions which would have been perfect for the ice skating and speed skating with only a tiny amount of collateral damage.

“Statistical research carried out by the guy who wakes up in my shop doorway every morning suggested that fewer than six skaters would lose their life by falling through the ice and freezing to death.

“When you consider the commercial benefits to my shop, I mean, the town as a whole that is a small price to pay. Nobody at the council seems to realise how important it is to drive traffic past my shop.”

IOC spokesperson Tarquin Brown-Envelope commented: “While Mr Tress did impress the visiting dignitaries with the tour of the heath, a visit to the now sadly defunct Teddy Bear Museum and a meal at JSW, we did feel expecting world-class ski jumpers to use the children’s slide at the heath was asking a little much.

“We fully accept that Butser Hill is a popular sledging venue for youngsters during the three days the area has snow every year but we felt the logistics of shipping in an entire Olympic village and competitors at something like 60 minutes notice might have been beyond Mr Tress and his work experience cashier.”

Kevin Itch, a spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, said: “Don’t quote me on this but Matt Tress is off his head!”

Nothing to see here…

The job involves monitoring all CCTV

cameras but also includes a full Sky

Movies and Sports package

Petersfield’s CCTV camera system has been temporarily shut down – following the tragic death of a Big Brother-style monitor.

Tom P Ping died of boredom after literally nothing happened for nearly TWO YEARS.

He had worked in the monitoring office of Petersfield Spyware - the privatised company which runs the service on behalf of our police state - since 2007 and doctors say he simply couldn't take the tedium any longer.

Ping, 43, and getting no older, spent eight hours a day observing what was going on by watching a bank of screens covering all 9,327 of the town's CCTV cameras. It was his responsibility to notify community busybodies of any untoward activities but unfortunately excitement was at a premium.

However, the expensive camera system was defended by Petersfield Spyware’s managing director Mr V Oya, who said: “There was an incident involving a cat and a milk bottle early on in his stint, which kept him occupied for 30 seconds or so.

“And there was that time when a street lamp went out on the Herne Farm estate and he managed to alert Southern Electric, narrowly averting a minor annoyance for several residents.

“He also spent quite a long time monitoring the back garden of a former Miss Petersfield, Vera Milf, during this summer's two-day hot spell.”

There is now a vacancy for a monitor with a very high boredom threshold or an extremely inquisitive nature.

Oya added: “Basically, we're looking for a nosey bastard.”

Queue clash causes confusion

There were extraordinary scenes in the square yesterday (Wednesday) when the queue for the petition against the length of the Post Office queue, actually stretched further than the Post Office queue itself.

Mo Knerr from Bell Hill objected most strongly. She said: "This is crazy. I know this is a worthwhile cause, but I also need to buy some stamps and I'm due to be going away at the weekend; couldn't we combine the queues in some way?

"The only good thing is that the kind lady behind me has promised to mind my place in the queue when we reach Review hairdressing salon, so I'll take the opportunity to pop in for a trim."

An independent mind

Sir Arthur has declared independence

A Petersfield man has issued a unilateral declaration of independence – for his large detached house.

Sir Arthur Ponsonby-Landowner has decided that he, his extended family and his staff at Upper Crust Mansions in one of the town’s poshest streets, Monks Vineyard, need have nothing to do with anyone else and will form their own mini-state.

“It all started when I got involved with the UK Independence Party,” declared batty Sir Arthur.

“At first it was enough to shout from the rooftops my dislike of the garlic-eating surrender monkeys that seem to populate most of Europe.

“But then I realised I didn’t really have much in common with the rest of the UK – those bloody Jocks and Taffs have nothing to offer now that North Sea oil has run out and we’ve closed all the Welsh mines.

“I was going to form an English Independence Party – until I realised that would include northerners, Brummies and yokels, so I set about forming the South Eastern League … but didn’t want to let in Cockneys and their rhyming slang nonsense.

“That left Hampshire and, to be honest, would you want to form a party with people from Leigh Park or Southampton? No, quite.

"I got all the letterheads printed for the Petersfield Independence Party but before the first meeting realised I’d have to include all the ‘roughty tufty’ bits like Rival Moor, Queens Road and Herne Farm.

“The Monks Vineyard Independent State had quite a ring to it – but then I suddenly remembered I hate all my neighbours, so Upper Crust Mansions is going to be a new state from January 1.

“However, if my wife bangs on one more time about me getting Jeeves to tidy my gun collection, I may have to narrow it down to my own personal wing of the main house…”

Do not adjust your monitor...

Apologies for the lack of a story from Petersfield Newswire yesterday. This was owing to technical problems - the wick in our generator went out...

Unfortunately for you, normal service has been resumed.

That's a Shortback and Sides (SAS)

Nick is easy to spot in the barber's shop...

An ex-SAS soldier turned Petersfield hairdresser is hoping to organise a reunion for former elite troops who he believes live and work in the region.

Ex Staff Sergeant Nick Yerearoff enthused: "There must be loads of the lads out there. I know of several who work in town. There's Cheese-wire Barrett who does dress alterations up at the dry cleaners and 'Mad Dog' Jenkins at Beautiful Nails to name just a couple.

"There's a bond between these lads, an unbreakable bond. If we can get enough of us together we'll have one hell of a party."

The reunion will take place at the Adam and Eve It bar, on Saturday, October 24, undercover of darkness and avoiding lit areas.

Nick added: "I understand the bar has recently introduced real ale, but I suspect the lads will be sticking to cocktails."

To get in touch with Staff Sergeant Nick Yerearoff, call 01730 101010 and press three for Perms and Root Treatments.

A break from the norm

Thousands of pounds worth of damage

was inflicted during the break-in

Two men have been arrested by police on suspicion of breaking into the Adam & Eve It Gastro Bar, in Petersfield High Street.

The men are charged with stealing £300 and causing damage on the premises running into thousands of pounds.

"We were not stealing the money" said Arthur Stout, one of the offenders. "We were taking the money as a token payment for the plumbing work that we carried out."

It is claimed that Stout, 56 and Paddy Gree, 52 both life-long residents of Petersfield, had actually fitted barrels and piping to facilitate the sale of real ale on the premises. The work was estimated by detectives to be worth several thousand pounds.

"They've actually done a great job and the beer is coming through perfectly, in tip-top condition," said PC Swiller.

Bar owner Oliver Lyminit was angered by these comments and said: "We don't want real ale here; it really doesn't fit our business model.

"Our clients spill out on to the pavement blocking the path for pedestrians, kicking footballs around on the High Street and parking their souped-up cars and mopeds as close to the door as they can with their engines running. Our customers are designer lager drinkers and this "installation" is simply an act of mindless vandalism."

A date for the case to be heard will be set when the Crown Prosecution Service can be arsed...