TBS Old Boys network

 Lidl accused of being too big 

The Big School (TBS) in Petersfield has taken the highly unusual step of permanently excluding a student within 48 hours of his arrival as a new pupil.

Malawi-born Duke Lidl was told he could not attend lessons as he was older than the age declared on his application form by his parents.

Miss Representation speaking on behalf of the school told us: "This has all been a bit awkward really, starting with having to point out that in the UK he was not allowed to smoke his pipe in the classroom.

"Then we had the issue of him bringing his wife into home technology lessons – and she is not enrolled as a student. I am now led to believe that he would like to bring his grandchildren in to do drama.

"He arrives at school by bus, using an old person's bus pass and has a free lunch delivered for him by Meals on Wheels.

"This cannot go on and we have had to permanently exclude him. Nearly all teachers were in agreement; only our head of PE was against the decision. He had already pencilled Duke in to represent the school at basketball and rugby."

Lidl’s parents are to seek legal advice from a drinking pal of Duke’s in the Square Brewery. The solicitor, who declined to be named, said: “To accuse Duke of this is outrageous. I’ve been going in the same pub as him for about 20 years and can assure you he is not the deceitful kind.”