‘Affordable’ Petersfield homes provide contrast to National Park

An artist's impression of how the land near

Penns Place will look if money talks...

Keepball Homes has made an application to build 96 homes on a greenfield site in a bid to counteract council cutbacks.

The company, which has laid waste to acres of farmland in the Petersfield area over the past few decades, has made an application for the development at Penns Field, a site close to the Taro Leisure Centre playing fields and owned currently by Petersfield Town Council.

The company believes the extensive development on such a small patch would provide a pleasant contrast to other sites in the East Hampshire Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty and the South Downs National Park.

Sal Out, Keepball Homes planning consultant, said: “Releasing land at Penns Field would deliver a large donation into the council’s funds and subsequently boost the profits for my client.

“It’s a win-win situation – except for existing residents obviously, but neither the developer nor the council cares about them. Cash is king in 2010.

“It’s an ideal site for new homes and will particularly appeal to people who like grumbling about youngsters enjoying themselves playing sport and those who enjoy sticking a garden fork in footballs that have broken the glass in their cold frames.

“Having said that, you wouldn’t be allowed to install a cold frame without permission in triplicate from the developer, and after the payment of a not-insubstantial fee. Keepball is committed to maintaining a certain level of aesthetic decency.

“In order to ensure they are able to offer ‘affordable’ housing my client will save money by not improving the infrastructure of the town, which as we know can hardly sustain its existing population.

"The idea is to clog up the town entirely, on the streets, in the schools and in the sewers, driving house prices down and making even a four-bedroom detached affordable to Mona the Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg Eeeeesssssssssssssshoooooooooooo seller.”

Lloyd Bank, honourable keeper of the town council cheque book, said: “Obviously on a sensitive project such as this we would consult residents and planning experts extensively before taking the money and running.

“It would certainly help with the council’s finances, after all we have the white elephant of a bloody great skate park to pay for.”

A spokesman for the local residents association was bound and gagged before being bundled into a large builder’s lorry.

Christmas is cancelled

G Rinch makes his persuasive

presentation to fellow councillors

East Hampshire District Council bosses have made an early decision that this year all official Christmas celebrations are cancelled.

Officials are blaming a lack of sponsorship money from local businesses, but in reality they are following the example set by Havant Borough Council who took a similarly unpopular decision a few years ago.

G Rinch, the councillor appointed to make cutbacks, said: “We are looking to make savings in as many areas as possible. There simply isn’t enough money and Christmas is an expendable luxury.

“We aren’t suggesting townfolk can’t celebrate Christmas in their own homes, but we would appreciate it if they can refrain from being outwardly jolly as they walk around town.

“From November 1 we will also be imposing a fairy lights tax which will be levied on all homes that have lights draped in their garden or on the outside of their property. In working-class areas this is expected to raise a small fortune.

“I have had it suggested that Christmas is an easy target; well yes it is, and one we cannot afford to miss.”

We put it to Councillor Rinch that during a recession, and in the middle of winter when nights have drawn in and the weather is at its worst, people, more than ever, look forward to Christmas and the celebrations that take place.

“Bah humbug” he replied sarcastically: “There simply isn’t the money, there will be no tree, no lights and certainly no Christmas Festival with its expensive plastic ice rink.”

In an attempt to appease tax payers, council bosses have agreed to fund the clearing of any snow this year. This may at face value seem like a generous gesture, but Newswire has been told that the council simply want to ensure the town doesn’t look at all festive, bringing back memories of Christmases gone by.

One for the road

Easy on the Lemming Harry

Petersfield’s new Netherregions pub, looking to set itself apart from other local hostelries, may start serving all its drinks in specially adapted rodents designed by BrewDog a controversial Scottish brewery.

The Fraserburgh-based brewer has recently hit the headlines by announcing that they brew the strongest beer available planet Earth.

Their new ale, called The End of History is 55% alcohol and completes a menu of strong beers which include a comparative light ale named Tokyo at 18.2%, Tactical Nuclear Penguin at 32% and Sink the Bismark at 41%.

More quirky though, for maximum enjoyment, it is suggested that the beer should be drunk using the corpse of a rodent as a kind of iconic bottle or glass holder. Rats, squirrels, stoats and hares have all been converted into receptacles by taxidermists employed by the brewery.

A stiff one

BrewDog have been lambasted for making such a potent drink available at a time when society is concerned about the drinking habits and health of young people.

The Scottish brewer defended itself by saying that their drinks were originally destined for the Scottish market, popularity and clever PR has resulted in far wider distribution than they could have imagined.

Carrie Oooot speaking on behalf of BrewDog told Newswire: “Don’t forget the people of Scotland need to be pie-eyed to be able to exist in their native cold wet climate. Some of them drink whisky by the pint; our ale is hardly strong in comparison.

“Also, I hardly think we can be in any way blamed for lowering life expectancy in a region where the deep-fried Mars Bar is the national dish.”

The young of today’s society will naturally be drawn to any drink labelled “the strongest ale in the world” even attracting lager drinkers who will be unused to drinking anything with flavour.

The novelty of quaffing your drink through a squirrel or rat will also add a certain uniqueness to the experience for those that are so inclined.

Netherregions will delight in the press that this move is bound to attract and shrugged off any suggestion that cleaning the glasses is going to take a little longer.

Helen Back, one of the new staff at The Red Lion, laughed at the prospect of serving beer in a rodent told us: “Many of our customers come in with the intention of getting rat-faced, they can now achieve this quite literally, and more quickly.”

Fuelling anger

Joy Rider: "Int got no lager eiver"

The yo-yoing fuel prices of a Petersfield service station have angered motorists who call in to refuel.

The prices seem to leap a few pence at the town’s Gasso within a matter of hours and some of the motorists using the garage are suspicious regarding the reasons for this.

Minnie Khabdryver told us: “I do a lot of miles and need to refuel quite regularly. I often note during the day that the prices are quite competitive and with this in mind return later when I am low on fuel; only to find that the price has been hiked up before I get back.

“It may just be a coincidence but the price always seems at its lowest when the forecourt is coned off, this garage has a habit of being inaccessible for at least half a day, every day.”

Joy Rider, on a whistle stop visit from Leigh Park seemed to agree with this theory saying: “Of never seen ve proices gah back up, bu’ i’ looks loike iss when the garridge opens each time.”

Newswire asked Gasso whether there was any truth in this observation.

Mandy Pumps speaking on behalf of the service station insisted: “I can assure you we have done nothing wrong, we always advertise our fuel at the price that it can be bought for at that particular moment in time.

“It is highly unfortunate that sometimes, due to forced temporary closure, motorists are unable to take advantage of the unbeatable prices.

“Our prices do fluctuate, as they do at all service stations; the best PR is to have a low price up outside the station so we try to do that whenever we can.”

Sheet spreading

From town to city in ten years

The inhabitants of Sheet village are planning independence as a way of ensuring their village is not surrounded by newly built, affordable housing.

Petersfield’s town planners and big-wig decision makers have already sold out to developers who will soon start work on the Causeway Farm site south east of the market town.

Even before the first digger has thundered in, the next site is up for consideration, south west of Petersfield on the area immediately south of Larcombe Road.

A secret document has found its way into the hands of Lucy Lastic, spokesperson for the Sheet Village Association, which sets out, with crystal clarity, the future expansion plans for the town of Petersfield.

Lastic said: “You can see from this plan the devastation that is set to be unleashed on our town. It is madness and must be stopped.”

The plans do show that within the next 10 years, Petersfield could have trebled in size and no longer be the quaint and idyllic town it is today.

A source at Petersfield Town Council, who asked not to be named, told us: “It is bad, but this is all overspill from Havant. When I say Havant, I mean Havant, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Horndean, Cowplain and Waterlooville.

“This part of the county has been set targets for new housing, and these new-build projects were intended to be shared across the region, but people do not want to live in these areas. What is the point of building homes in areas where people will refuse to live?”

Our informant refuted the suggestion there was more money to be made by the developers by building in Petersfield.

“I understand what you are saying, and it is true that the overheads are the same to build homes here rather than say Rowlands Castle, Leigh Park, or any of those no-go zones just south of the South Downs National Park. I don’t necessarily agree that the homes when completed would have four times the value; that seems a little high.”

Lastic is angry at the situation. She added: “Hitler didn’t do this much damage! We need to stem the tide. I appeal to all Sheet residents to vote for independence; we can at least make sure that our corner of England remains forever green.”

The Green party candidate in the recent election polled three votes and a chocolate button.

Drop dead gorgeous

Great bodywork for an old model

Dead Good Funeral Directors, of Liss, will be celebrating its fourth anniversary this year, by holding an open day on Tuesday July 27.

The funeral parlour is encouraging locals of all ages to “drop in” and has invited suggestions for activities in an effort to increase the public’s awareness of the whole burial process.

Those interested in horticulture can try their hand at touching up and adjusting wreaths that have arrived from florists in disarray.

Transport enthusiasts will be able to ride around Liss and the surrounding area in the back of a superb 1968 Cadillac limousine hearse, driven by the company’s receptionist, the delectable Dee Mize. This should whet passengers’ appetite for that final ride - what a way to go.

The more dextrous might like to have a go at embalming, a skill that has been practised for millennia but is still carried out today.

Rick Tuss speaking on behalf of Dead Good was particularly enthusiastic about this activity.

He said: “This really is a chance for the general public to try something that they would not ordinarily get an opportunity to do. We have a couple of likely candidates living locally who we are expecting will require some preservation work at about that time.”

If all this seems a little mundane and you fancy something a bit more thrilling, Dead Good has just the thing for you. There will be three opportunities to be buried alive and scared witless overnight in the parlour.

Three lucky members of the public will be sealed in silk-lined coffins, after taking a mild sleeping draft, which should mean that they wake up sealed inside the coffin, at around midnight.

Funeral parlour staff will arrive at 9am the next morning to release the three candidates from their coffins to see how they have coped with the extraordinary experience.

Tuss said: “This is many people’s worst nightmare. We have all heard tales of how people were buried alive by mistake and this will give some lucky villagers the chance to see how that must have felt.

“When the three come round, they will still be dazed from the drug, will realise they are in a coffin and really believe they are buried alive. This has got to be more exhilarating than any ride at any theme park.

“I need to stress that any damage or scratching of the inside of the coffin will need to be paid for, but this is a chance for the more adventurous out there.”

We have been asked to make clear that those taking part will need to provide evidence of life assurance cover and sign a waiver to say they are happy with the risks involved. They will also need to agree that Dead Good get the business should anything untoward happen.

Hose sorry now?

Jeeves, about to pep up the plants

Petersfield residents have started hoarding champagne – in case of a water shortage.

M&S, Waitrose, and even that ludicrously expensive wine corner shop in Lavant Street have all reported a surge in sales following news that Scousers and Mancs face a hosepipe ban.

"If the water authorities can’t even collect enough of the stuff to keep the North West going, what chance do we stand in the sunny South?” said Dame Amelia Ponsoby-Sprinkler of Woodtwee Avenue.

“Let’s face it, it rains for 11 and a half months of the year up there and we all know most northerners don’t wash anyway, so how incompetent are these water people?”

Pressed further on the 58 crates of Champagne in the north wing of her home, Dame Ponsoby-Sprinkler shrieked “Drink it? Good gawd no, Jeeves is going to use it to water the begonias.”

Averse to litter

Sachs' poster campaign

A campaigner and voluntary worker has turned to verse to shame the louts who selfishly leave litter on the heath in Petersfield.

Phill Sachs, who spends all of his spare time scouring the heath for rubbish has composed a ditty that he hopes will “make those pesky litterbugs think twice before spoiling this idyllic beauty spot for visitors”.

His ode reads:

Think twice before you drop your crap,
long-suffering locals might just snap.
With clubs and knives they’ll hunt you down,
then string you up in your home town.

We joined Sachs for a 10-minute stroll around the heath during which time he somehow managed to pick up 256 items, shoving them into his heavy duty bin liner.

Tin cans, plastic bottles, cigarette packets, match boxes, crisp bags, several aquatic birds, a dead swan and a small dog were among the items collected by the do-gooder.

When questioned about the birds and the dog he said: “I work at speed to get the job done; there will always be a few casualties.”

Sachs once worked in a food processing and packaging plant and this experience seemed to have left him psychologically damaged, the result of which is he feels somehow responsible for much of today’s litter.

Sachs' clever poem

  
In an ironic twist, Sachs has had 150 copies of his ode laminated on A4 paper and has nailed the sheets to many of the heath’s oldest and most beautiful trees.

Wendy Windblows, aged 98, who lives on Heath Road, is outraged.

She said: “The view from my house has been ruined. This fool may have picked up a few cans but all I can see as I look south across the heath is the sun glinting off of these ruddy plastic sheets. I think he should be strung up.”

Indian takeaway

Takeaway service available

Frozen meat and bottles of alcohol worth more than £1,000 were stolen in a burglary at a Petersfield restaurant.

Muddle-on Tandoori Restaurant, the newest and least-frequented of Petersfield’s curry houses, was broken in to, through the back door of the premises, in the early hours of June 28.

Al Frezi, speaking on behalf of Muddle-on Tandoori Restaurant, told us: “A huge amount of unused meat and alcohol was stolen and there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that most of the meat was approaching its use-by date.”

Since opening, Muddle-on has specialised in attracting once-only visitors who then return to the tried-and-tested Spice Rack or Parrot Spice Tandoori.

The theft came at an ideal time for the restaurant with dwindling numbers coinciding with unusually high temperatures.

The insurance claim will provide a much-needed cash injection for the business which has been hit hard by the delay in the opening of the Netherregions’ Red Lion pub which will undoubtedly provide most of its trade after closing time.

Can you see what it is yet?

Ken Hartley-Draw's interpretation of the development

A planning application to build 213 new homes on Causeway Farm in Petersfield is being submitted to East Hampshire District Council this week.

Housing consultants Minimal Integrity have employed the services of aspiring artist Ken Hartley-Draw to provide an interpretation and insight into how the development will look when completed.

Local pressure group, Not In Our Ruddy Field, are up in arms following the release of the image, claiming it provides no useful information and no real clue as to what shape or form the development will ultimately take.

Consultant Phil Fee-Rich, who represents the developer Stack ‘Em High, defended the picture, saying: “We commissioned the artist with a remit to produce the image in the modern style, currently used by all developers, known as impressionistic wishy-wash. It is not intended to give a photographic representation, more a representation.

Phil Fee-Rich's vision

“If one looks carefully, you can see the 15 one-bedroom and 32 two-bedroom apartments, the 53 two-bedroom and 98 three-bedroom and 15 four and five-bedroom homes.

"You can also see the community hall decked out with bunting, allotments being worked by cheery gardeners and people enjoying the riverside walkway, the park, the beautiful picnic area and the glorious orchards.”

Hal Seyan-Days' worst nightmare

Hal Seyan-Days, speaking on behalf of NIORF didn’t seem impressed. “Bollocks” he told us, “All I see is traffic queuing to get onto The Causeway and marauding packs of children clashing around the community centre.

“And wait, what’s that, a few rich men in suits on the horizon, struggling to walk with their large bags of money.”

Petersfield school taps up well-off pupils

The winner of the downstairs maids' race, Doris Dishmop, proudly displays her prizes

Pupils at DualNannies, Bojangles School's pre-prep school near Petersfield, raised £2,120 from their annual fun run at the school sports' day.

The cash was collected from the spare change that fell out of the pupils' pockets as they were carried down the 100-yard track by their chauffeurs. The money will be shared between several local charities.

The main event of the day, the downstairs maids' 400-yard polish, was won by 28-year-old Doris Dishmop, from Cliche Gardens, Richplace-on-Thames.

Head of DualNannies, Jocasta Hedge-Fund, said: "It was a hot afternoon but this did not deter any of the children who are always happy to sit around and watch their staff race on sports day.

"They particularly enjoy the overseas' maid race as it's always a completely different field every year. Normally the winner is deported within a few weeks."

Coned off - Hacked off

Job vacancies at Gasso with the cones always ready for use

It has become clear why the 24-hour service station situated on Rams Hill is closed to motorists for 90% of the day, with the forecourt coned off and out of bounds to anyone requiring fuel.

The authorities have insisted that the Petersfield service station should undergo a licence review after it was caught out three times selling alcohol to minors during what is claimed to be a sting operation.

In September 2009 Hampshire Police conducted a “test purchase” at Gasso when they asked a 16-year-old girl in to buy a bottle of Bulmers cider.

DI Gestive told us: “It’s difficult for an officer to go in and buy drink when in uniform, people will realise we’re drinking on the job, so we usually pick a likely looking customer who is using the service station.

“On this occasion, the young girl in question already had an armful of Bacardi Breezers that she was intending to buy, so an extra bottle of Bulmers was never going to look suspicious. Her only problem was carrying it all.”

The transaction was spotted by a vigilant member of the public who asked DI Gestive to intervene.

The cashier, clearly in the wrong, made the sale without asking the girl her age or for ID. The staff member was issued an £80 fine before being dismissed by Gasso.

With the authorities alerted, a second operation was carried out by Hampshire County Council's trading standards when a 15-year-old was sold alcohol without being asked for ID. Again an £80 fixed penalty notice was issued and a further member of staff dismissed.

In March two 16-year-olds were used by police to buy a bottle of rose wine and four bottles of lager for a barbeque at the police station.

The sale was spotted by the authorities who were monitoring the service station. The police, predictably, claimed it to be another part of the sting operation and the transaction was processed without any request for identification.

To compound matters, the service station manager was asleep in the shop at the time and at no point was she consulted about the sale.

There was another fixed penalty fine and another member of staff lost their job.

A spokesman for Gasso told us: “We are sorry for any inconvenience to our customers and we can understand their frustration as they arrive for fuel, only to be greeted by a row of cones.

“As I am sure you will have read, we have lost most of our staff over the last few months and as a result we are only able to open for a short period each day.

“We are desperately trying to recruit and once the situation has been rectified, we will once again return to normal opening hours.”

Cards tempt customers with a job at the service station

.

Traffic Warden MA (Oxon) LLB MBA Etc.

Petersfield residents will expect parking violations to be

recorded in Latin in future: Non illigitamus carborundum

Hampshire Police and East Hampshire District Council expect to recruit incredibly well-qualified personnel for their new traffic patrol service after they let slip the pay rate.

Between them, the two organisations have agreed to fund 500 hours of traffic wardenry between now and April 2011.

Officials at Penalties Place have put aside £5,000 for the nine-month service and this figure is being matched by Hampshire Police.

So that’s £10,000 for 500 hours. Or an incredible £20 an hour. Wandering around Petersfield with a notebook and hat has never been so lucrative.

Petersfield paper upsets reader with 'news agenda'

The head teacher at Bojangles School addresses

the press following the expulsion of six pupils

A Petersfield busy-body is up in arms after a news story about a posh school appeared in this week’s Petersfield Proust.

Local landowner Lucinda Forty-Acres dedicates her time to ensuring hundreds of pictures of her friends’ families get featured in local papers every week.

But this week she was horrified to see coverage of yet another end-of-term prom relegated to the back of the paper to allow for four paragraphs of coverage on a school drugs story leading her to believe the paper had a 'hidden news agenda'.

Six pupils from £10k per-term posh Bojangles School have been expelled after being caught in possession of cannabis and the town’s leading paper with a red masthead afforded the story coverage on page three.

This outraged Ms Forty-Acres who said: “There were plenty more pretty prom dresses to be featured not to mention at least a dozen local fetes which didn’t get featured in this week’s Proust – all so they could dedicate six paragraphs to this non-news event.

“I don’t spend 42p a week on my Petersfield Proust to read about things which are featured in national newspapers like the Daily Telegraph.

“The people at the Petersfield Proust should remember who their readership is: we want lots of line-ups of youngsters partaking in American pastimes, women-who-lunch giving up their time free-of-charge to smile at cameramen and animals, lots of animals.

“Stories like the one about Bojangles School are not of interest. After all cannabis is such a working class drug – at a fee-paying school they should be taking heroine like my daughter Jocasta.”

A spokesman for the Petersfield Proust refuted allegations that there was a ‘news agenda’ at the paper owned by profligate publishing company I’m Alright John Press.

He said: “I’m sorry Ms Forty-Acres is upset, but if she looks carefully at this week’s edition, she will notice there are only three or four stories which could ever be described as news.

"As always we have concentrated on contributed material largely made up of firing squad pictures of middle-class youngsters and ladies, who should, by rights, be members of the Women’s Institute.”

Westwood blows his own trumpet

John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood

with his new vuvuzela

Portsmouth Football Club’s self appointed Chief of Noise, John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood, had an opportunity to try out the FIFA World Cup’s instrument of choice, the vuvuzela.

Diehard Pompey fan and noise abatement nightmare Westwood said: “It’s fantastic, it’s like a dream come true. You can’t get any sort of a tune out of it and nobody could possibly expect you to.

“I’m always being asked how the hell it is possible that after decades of practice, I am still unable to get any sort of melody out of my bugle. Well I can now put those days behind me.”

After he was pressed on his tuneless bugle playing the Petersfield resident confided: “I can be quite harmonic when I’m sober, I’d like to see any member of the London Symphony Orchestra's brass section stand up and play after twelve pints of beer!”

So will Westwood be taking one of the new vuvus to Fratton Park next season?
“Absolutely”, he insisted.

“The timing isn’t brilliant, I’ve just splashed out on a new cavalry bugle and I can’t see me using that now. With one of these babies I can make all the racket I want and not be accused of being unmusical.”

East Havantshire's spending plans

In its emergency budget, the newly merged council of unequals has announced spending cuts on public services and a new tax on Petersfield families.

The new SNATCH (Send Nearly All The Cash to Havant) charge will be levied on all Petersfield homes from September. In a personal touch seldom seen in local government, "inspectors" from Havant's Leigh Park "collection agency" will call on homes throughout Petersfield demanding the money.

At the same time, public spending cutbacks could see significant changes in council services. However, East Havantshire has sought to reassure local people that some aspects of council activity are protected.

Speaking from its headquarters at Penniless Place, spokesman Owen Fortunes said: "While extravagant luxuries such as road cleaning and refuse collection could indeed be cut back, be assured that the council will never compromise on essential local services like Partners magazine and Butserfest."

Petersfield residents help to fund Colombian coke wagon

The generosity of Petersfield residents will help bus driver

Pablo Escobar get the kids to school on time

A group of children on the other side of the world will soon be taught the meaning of the word “traffic” thanks to the generosity of Petersfield shoppers.

Visitors to a fun day in Rams Walk last weekend helped to raise £894 towards the cost of a minibus which will be used for transportation of children and soft drinks in and around Fusa, a remote town in Colombia.

The fundraising event, organised by the South American Poor Society (SAPS) involved picking up loose change dropped in Rams Walk by Petersfield’s affluent population.

Ewen Meermugs, SAPS chairman, was delighted with the sum raised saying: “We planned this day knowing we were almost guaranteed to make a small fortune.

“It is well known that the shoppers who park in Petersfield’s dearer car park and shop at the expensive supermarket, don’t bother to pick up dropped coins. If it’s a pound or less they can’t be bothered, it’s deemed embarrassing.

“All we had to do to reach this magnificent total was gather all the loose coins that we could find on the day.”

Meermugs said the people of Fusa have been quite specific about the specification of the minibus. Designed to look like any normal Colombian school bus the vehicle must be bullet proof and fitted with a false floor.

While these enhancements may seem a little extreme to some, operating in such a volatile region, prone to ambush and attack, the Colombians insist it is imperative that the children’s school books can be hidden away safely.

With the safety of the children paramount, a further secret compartment will house a weapon for use by the driver in extreme circumstances. Further subtle defence systems may also be added if sufficient funding can be raised.

Meermugs was emphatic regarding the need for the minibus, advising how Fusans are currently having to use a clapped-out estate car for all school runs and coke deliveries.

"We need to raise £10,000” said Meermugs. “We already send £8,000 every month. This is needed for coke. That seems a lot of money for a children’s drink but we are assured this funding is absolutely necessary."

Capello method blamed for Petersfield slump

A spokesman for the Capello Management Technique© responds

badly to criticism from a Petersfield Newswire reporter

We apologise for the dearth of decent Petersfield Newswire stories lately - but we have been employing a new Capello management method.

In order to keep our writers, ahem, fresh, they are told just two hours before deadline whose turn it is to write today's story.

Unfortunately, so far, it has not proved as successful as we had hoped as writers have invariably been 'taking their son to athletics', 'watching Italy/Brazil/Argentina in the World Cup', or simply 'down the pub' when they get the notification - hence not giving them time to prepare.

In addition, those who have been aware of their selection have seemed disinterested, unable to string more than a couple of words together, and write like they've never met any other members of the Newswire team.

"We're beginning to suspect that this Capello management method is not as good as it was cracked up to be," said a Newswire spokesman. "We may have to revert to good old traditional 'kick and rush' style of writing which proved more successful in the past.

"And if that fails, we'll just lump a few story ideas to the big bloke up front."

All hail the Queen of East Havantshire

A map showing the rough outline of the area covered by the joint council

Following the news that East Hampshire and Havant councils are to be jointly run the newly enthroned Queen of East Havantshire has made her inaugural statement to her loyal subjects within the combined district.

Speaking from her the gold-encrusted power boudoir within Penns Palace, the Queen decreed: "It is easy to assume that East Hampshire and Havant are so different and incompatible that the new Kingdom of East Havantshire is an ill-conceived social experiment, certain to end in big Queenie tears.

"Yes, areas around Petersfield have many wealthy residents investing in public services by paying tax on large properties while places like Havant, er, haven't.

"But as your Queen, it is my solemn and regal duty to point out that Havant and Petersfield are in fact perfectly suited to each other.

"Petersfield is an affluent, leafy and creative market town which boasts a huge sense of local pride, successful schools and a strong beating heart at the centre of the community. And that's exactly what the people of Havant want too.

"People choose to live in Petersfield because they value the open spaces, the excellent transport links and its enviable position at the centre of the South Downs National Park. People in Havant share that envy.

"And Petersfield families have shown they know how to manage their money while people of Havant want some of it.

"See. A match made in Havantshire. Welcome to my world."

The grass is always Greener

Absolute Dobbin just outside the box

A horse named Absolute Dobbin made front page headlines in last week's Petersfield Post, when his owners kitted him out in full England kit.

This was all meant as something of a joke, but following England's opening match against the USA, Dobbin has received the nod from Fabio Capello, who is looking to use him in goal for the remaining group games.

Capello told us: "I now see my mistake. Clearly. James is England number one and I should have used him against the USA. I should take responsibility. Full responsibility."

England have requested that Absolute Dobbin be drafted in, and while these are unusual circumstances it is thought FIFA will allow us to exchange a horse for a donkey on the premise that he is team mascot.

Absolute Dobbin was today trying out his new England goalkeeper's kit and in a short practice session, any balls that were thrown straight at him bounced off and did not pass. A marked improvement on the current incumbent's ability.

Dobbin's owners who live in Rake are thrilled at the news, and are very much looking forward to seeing him on the TV.

They told us: "To be honest this all started out as somethig of a joke. We heard the Petersfield Post were struggling for a headline and we thought... I know, let's put a football shirt on Dobbin.

"Now of course desperate times call for desperate measures; we're just glad we can help in some small way."