What have the Romans ever done for us?

Petersfield is set to become the centre of world attention, after the statue of King William the Third was discovered to have something up his sleeve.

 The statue before time had its way

 

For some time now the statue of William the Third, or Bill the Turd as he is known affectionately by locals, has been decaying. The situation reached tipping point on December 21 2011, when Bill’s right arm, the hand of which was holding an unidentified scroll, dropped off.

Wynne Tersolstice, working for R Maggedon Erections who were employed by Petersfield Town Council (PTC) to assess the damage to the statue, has announced that there is a prophecy inscribed in the arm and scroll.

“This is earth-shattering news”, he said. “The discovery of the millennium. You may be aware that life on earth is expected to end at midnight on December 21 2012; this is a widely accepted view, a date that all children are taught at school. Well, it would appear that date is wrong. The actual date is in fact January 21, 2013”

Tersolstice shows us some inscriptions on the inside of the arm and ultimately a series of roman numerals that are inscribed on the inside of the scroll, they read – XXI  I  MMXIII.

One more Christmas after all

“The sculptor’s name also points to the fact that the original Mayan projection was wrong, perhaps working under a nom de plume, as the piece is signed Huan Moore-Month.

“The original calculations were made using the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization and is based upon a cycle of thirteen b’ak’tuns (periods of 144,000 days each) since the mythical creation date of the calendar's current era.

“It would appear that since we went decimal back in the 1970s, that’s thrown things a bit and we stand to gain an extra month.”

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Mark Kett-Pitches commented: “You wait ‘til I speak to Al Paca, that Peruvian stallholder who used to sell jumpers, shawls, hats and scarves.

“He refused to renew his licence as we wouldn’t reduce his fee to reflect the fact that 2012 will be a short year. Who’s laughing now Paca?”

Blow me

Proper fairy lights, arranged by real fairies.

A treemendous reversal of fortunes has seen Petersfield win a second award for its Christmas tree lights, this time because they look so beautiful. 

Our story of 20 December 2011, told you how the straight lines of lights that were simply hanging vertically from the town tree had met with bad reviews from all and sundry, and had in fact won us a wooden spoon type award from the appropriately named Government Body - CRAP (Christmas Redecoration And Parties). That same organisation has now awarded us a gold star! 

Newswire questioned Petersfield Town Council (PTC) in an effort to establish who should be congratulated for the alterations, but nobody seems to know who was responsible.

Speaking on behalf of PTC Wynne Dee-Knight told us: "Nobody was given instructions to make the changes, but the Council will happily take the credit for the improvements; doesn't it look lovely".

Harry Caneforce, a member of the PTC team who is responsible for removing the decorations told us: "We don't know who did it, the way the lights were draped it would have taken me only a few minutes to remove them, now it's going to take me quite a while to untangle the ruddy things from the tree. Irresponsible, that's what it is".

Apart from Mr Caneforce, everyone we spoke to regards the display is far more Christmassy and imaginative, far better than the dreadful straight lines that hung there before.

Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Gus T Weather told us: "This really is an incredible story, what a stunning transformation. Adding to the mystery of course, the work seems to have been carried out overnight by fairies. Real fairy lights, how wonderful".

Ho ho ho.

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

Petersfield: Sleepy market town

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming  Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

Petersfield decorated

A house in Waterlooville that has also won an award

Christmas has come early for Petersfield as the town has scooped up a national award for the worst festive decoration.

The award was made by Christmas Redecoration And Parties (CRAP) a government body that oversees the suitability of Christmas decorations across the land. CRAP’s real purpose is to check health and safety issues but as part of their role they also make various national awards.

The Christmas decoration that has attracted all the attention is the town tree. Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Mark Zowterten told Newswire: “We have never given this award for a tree before but we thought this year we would make an exception.

“To be honest, when our inspector visited he thought the fairy lights had all been attached to the top of the tree and that the person fitting them has decided to defer arranging them artistically due to poor weather. But they have simply been left that way. It really is extraordinary.

“In our Christmas decorations guidance manual it clearly states that the fundamental principal of Christmas lights is to give the affect of snowdrops twinkling in the moonlight. All I can say is you must have very odd and extremely organised snow here in Petersfield.

“We are not saying you need to spend more on lights, just show a little imagination when hanging them on the tree.”

Petersfield Town Council’s stammering spokesman, Cecil Verlining told Newswire: “This isn’t all bad; the award was announced weeks ago although we kept it fairly quiet and the news has attracted numerous visitors from Europe who love this sort of thing. You know the type of person who goes to Eurovision.

“I have learnt that rifiuti, desperdícios, déchets and abfall mean rubbish in Italian, Portuguese, French and German.”

Survival not nailed-on certainty

 Richard Bingham, behind closed doors since 1974

In a dramatic turn of events, a shop about which few people have heard and even fewer use, is in danger of closing unless more people know about it and use it.

The Unitary bookshop is located in a series of underground tunnels originally built in the 60s to house right-wing Conservative councillors in case of a left-wing revolution. As the Cold War due to a close, Glasnost prevailed and Tony Blair headed the Labour Party, all fears of the left-wing ever having a voice again faded completely and one of the dark tunnels was turned over to the entrepreneurial Archbishop of Herne Farm who inaugurated a secular, yet highly religious bookshop within.

Now, after more than 30 years of waiting for somebody to come through the door, the bookshop is in danger of closing. It is news which has saddened several of the volunteers who work there.

Richard Bingham, the seventh Earl of Lucan, has volunteered in the shop since 1974 and was distraught to learn of its possible closure.

With his words spoken by an actor, he said: “I’ve been hidden here for more than 30 years and the thought of having to move somewhere else if the shop should close is heartbreaking. It’s come as something of a shock – almost as much of a shock as that day in 1987 when somebody came in. But he was looking for the Physic garden and we were able to send him on his way.

“By the way, what IS a Physic Garden ?”

A spokesman for rival capitalist bookshop Hellstones, Lucifer Dark-Lord, said: “It’s such a shame that in a largely secular society there is no room for a shop such as this: one selling cards, books and wooden toys designed to brainwash people into denying science.

“Mind you the authors of those books have been around for years trying to flog their wares. It’s time for the new bright young authors like Richard Dawkins to have a chance at hitting the bestseller lists.”

The Unitary Bookshop is a family run business still managed by three generations: father, son and holy nephew. A spokesman recalled: “We’ve always had a variety of books. The first book was Genesis – we sold a lot of those until people started bringing them back having thought they were a biography of a 70s rock band.

Nice weather for it

How festive...

Ben N Jerrey’s bid for world domination takes another step forward this weekend with the Petersfield Christmas Festivities, launched just in time for Christmas.

Jerrey, who shows an amazing entrepreneurial spirit for somebody only just out of short trousers, has taken it upon himself to reinvigorate many of Petersfield’s popular yet moribund, seasonal festivals.

And he has hit back at critics who say he is just jumping on the bandwagon by naming his Christmas event the ‘Christmas’ Festivities and his summer event the ‘Summer’ Festivities.

“It’s a just a coincidence,” he insisted. “When we planned both the summer and Christmas festivities we weren’t aware they would actually take part in the summer and Christmas periods.

“We had asked East Hampshire District Council for clarification but they said they weren't sure when either summer or Christmas would fall this year – so we had to take pot luck.”

This year’s celebration includes all the traditional festival events such as people complaining that they’ve had to move their market stall; traders objecting because they weren’t begged to take part; and jewellers moaning that the High Street has been closed off.

Jerrey added: “The residents of Petersfield love to hear of people getting irate over a mild inconvenience and it has become a traditional part of any event in the town.

“Naturally we have added to the experience by getting in some Peruvian pan-pipe buskers; putting reindeer antlers on Mona the Big Issue seller; selling hot chestnuts from an upturned dustbin; installing a bouncy castle; selling chutneys – with a Christmas theme; and using the services of that bloke with the shiny suit who turns up at the opening of a bag of crisps.

“And the weekend’s events will be topped off by music and comedy performances and that big bloke who always falls over in the Square when he’s pissed. But we won’t be having any old guys with white beards dressed in red encouraging kids to sit on their laps, that’s just sick – we’ll leave that to the Roman Catholic church.”

■ Petersfield’s Christmas Festivities run until everybody goes home on Sunday afternoon.

Petersfield news ... from Petersfield papers

A round-up of the best stories from
this week's Petersfield media...

 Bonfire fodder

Error leads to aphtae epizooticae mix-up

An administrative error at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) is being blamed for the deliberate burning of 15 paintings at the Mouth and Foot Painting Artists Gallery in Selborne.

A spokesman for DEFRA admitted: “It was an easy mistake to make particularly as the pictures concerned were all of a bovine nature. It is disappointing, but, on the other hand, it is reassuring to know we can act so promptly to allay public fears.”

Top comic may be Hounded out

...possibly

The Christmas show at Petersfield Comedy Club may or may not be headlined by a top TV comedy act depending on whether he gets a better paying gig. Or not.

There will be other comedians on the bill, however, and if audience members who have paid to see the TV star, who may or may not participate, are disappointed they may be able to get their money back. Or not.

Old Bill on the Liss

 You're nicked me olde beauty

The lack of police coverage in East Hampshire was illustrated last week when a talk on the police was given at the Liss Area Historical Society.

Local policing as history. It doesn’t need us to say any more, does it?

News on the dark side

A shot in the dark 

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

 Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.