Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Your horoscope - a problem page for the desperate and gullible

When “Dangerous” Dave Molestrangler put 'psycho' as a trade on a job application form, the human resources department thought he put ‘psychic’. So he’s on a week’s internship at Petersfield Newswire as our astrologer supreme.

Next week’s guest astrologer is that cheerful chap Colonel Gaddafi – we’re sure he’ll have plenty to say. 

Aries 

This week is a great one for romance – providing you meet another moose! How can you be so ugly with only one head? Avoid long walks in the country side as you may scare the animals.

Taurus

With bile rising, you repulse me. You are a fat bastard who could clearly do with shedding a few pounds. Don’t trust the advice of a friend – you don’t have any. Everybody hates you and they only speak to you because you know that bloke off X Factor.

Gemini 

A career change is in the offing, largely because you’re a shit cook. Have you considered bricklaying? You could use your gravy as mortar. And I’m not sure your ‘daughter’ is really yours…

Cancer

With inflation in the ascendency you should really give up on the job as a financial advisor. The bank will foreclose on your mortgage in the next year and something will go hideously wrong with a wardrobe.

Leo

Stop parking your BMW outside your neighbour’s house – it will only bring bad luck and the possibility of an ‘accidental’ keying. The woman at work whom you think fancies you actually finds you repulsive.

Virgo

Women: do everything you can to win the affection of your man tonight. Shower him with snacks, beer and a curry. You will find it most beneficial. Men: Live football, Sky Sports 1, 7pm tonight.

Libra

Now is the time for a career change. You’ve grown fat and ugly and men want more from a hooker in the 21st century. Why not move into presenting on Cheapstuff.tv? That’s not a mole on the inside of your thigh, it’s a scampi fry.

Scorpio

You’re in luck. A Nigerian widow will contact you about a lot of money; you can make cash out of a recent accident; and you have been included in the prizewinners in this year’s Reader’s Digest draw. You’re also a prize chump!

Sagittarius

You owe a man some money and if you don’t pay up soon he’ll break all your fingers. However, with Saturn rising there could also be a love interest involved.

Capricorn 

A close friend is likely to betray you. It’s got nothing to do with astrology, that’s just life. Live with it.

Aquarius 

If you’re thinking of taking an expensive holiday, do it and do it now before it’s too late – don’t think about the expense. You won’t see 2012. 

Pisces

Somebody special will enter your life this weekend: Piers Morgan. And you think he’s ‘special’ – that’s how sad and lonely your life is. Stop watching reality TV and get yourself a partner that doesn’t need inflating.

*If you have been unduly affected by anything you may have read here there's probably some state-funded phone-line to help you. Though really you should just man up. For a start this is a spoof website, and secondly, astrology is bollocks.

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