Tunnel vision for contractors

Heading north, on yer bike son 

 
The grand opening of the Hindhead tunnel, long awaited to ease congestion on the A3 between Petersfield and Guildford, is to be delayed.

Work has progressed ahead of schedule and until recently it was thought the tunnel might actually open as early as July 6, 2011, a full month ahead of the original target date.

The main fabric of the tunnel was actually finished months ago and it has been a series of health and safety checks and tweaks that have delayed its use.

The Health and Safety executive and the Highways Agency have insisted that a number of “enhancements” be made before the public are permitted to use the tunnel.

The enforced changes have meant that cables had to be fitted for lights, warning lights, emergency warning lights, signals, signal lights, emergency power systems, heating system, de-icing systems, communications systems, reserve communications systems, operating cameras, security cameras and a coffee machine at the half-way point.

Piping has also had to be fitted for air ducts, smoke ducts, reserve air ducts, sprinkler systems, back-up sprinkler systems and badgers (a compromise deal with Badgerwatch UK ).

The list ran to 754 additional requirements and the additional gadgetry has been housed in thick stainless steel tubes to protect it should there be a crash, fire, flood, earthquake or other disaster.

Dave Reckonin, in charge of the project, said: “We have satisfied all of the additional safety requirements, the additional equipment has been tested and is functioning correctly. Unfortunately the additional piping has reduced the width and headroom in both the northbound and southbound tunnels. The net result is that when the tunnel opens, sometime later this month, only cyclists and motorcyclists will be able to use it.

“Cars and lorries will be diverted through Bordon.”

2011 Senseless

The deadline for completion of the 2011 Senseless is drawing near, or has it passed, it's difficult to know.

The townsfolk of Petersfield have been far better than the national average at completing and returning the form; either on-line, or by post. However, householders in surrounding towns and villages have been less efficient.

The thought of supplying personal details has worried many, so Newswire has supplied a small sample of the official form, applicable to people in the Petersfield area, so our readers can see there is nothing to be concerned about:

1  Where do you live?

a) Petersfield or a nearby village

b) Elsewhere in the South Downs National Park (SDNP)

c) I’m too embarrassed to say

2  Where were you on the night of Sunday, March 27th?

a) At my home

b) At a friend’s house or swingers’ party

c) I visited several properties, got chased out of a couple

      and returned home in the early hours to Leigh Park*

3  What is your marital status?

a) Married

b) With a permanent partner

c) Single, although I like to think I’m loved as I have a

       pet dog/cat

c) ‘Ave you seen the state of me?

4  How many people normally reside at your home?

a) 1-4

b) 5-8

c) I only count them up when I need to review my

       family benefit

5  How would you describe your sexuality?

a) Straight

b) Homosexual

c) Whatever I can get my hands on

d) Are goats illegal?

6  Have you ever suffered from any Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

a) Never

b) When you say suffer, does bad itching count?

c) I live in Bordon, so it’s in the water

d) Regarding question 5, it is my own goat, although I do share it 

7  Have you ever worked out your porn name using your first pet and

    mother’s maiden name method?

a) What’s a porn name?

b) Yes

c) My mother isn’t sure who my father is and that is the name she gave me

8  Did you vote at the last election?

a) Of course, I exercised my democratic right

b) I couldn’t be arsed

c) No, so I tell people I got locked out at the last minute

d) Can you really catch an STD from tap water?

9  Katie or Zara?

a) Katie

b) Zara

c) Is it so very wrong to say The Duchess of York?

                           (Skip to question 13)

10  Designer stubble or clean shaven?

a) Designer stubble

b) Clean shaven

c) Ann Widdecombe

d) Clarissa Dickson Wright (Skip to question 12)

e) We are talking chin here aren’t we?

11  Slim or curvaceous? (After answering this question move on to
question 13)

a) Victoria Beckham

b) Nigella Lawson

c) Dawn French

d) How far can we take this?

12  Slim or not-so-slim?

a) Peter Crouch

b) David Beckham

c) Wayne Rooney

d) Does it really have to be a footballer and even if it does

        why does it have to be Rooney?

13  Come the revolution, who would be first for the firing squad?  (Choose 4)

a) Gok Wan

b) Simon Cowell

c) Katie (Jordan) Price

d) Ronaldo

e) Please note Jeremy Kyle has been

        pre-selected on your behalf 

14  Where do you prefer to have an evening meal?

a) McDonalds or Dominos Pizza

b) Ask

c) We just did...

d) Any Michelin starred establishment

e) I’d rather have a curry any day

f) Does Mcdonalds or Dominos Pizza class as a “meal”?

15  What would you consider the MOST annoying?

a) To continue to receive daily Dominos Pizza leaflets

b) To meet in one room and at the same time all of those listed in question 13

16 Chinese or Indian?

a) Chinese

b) Indian
c) Why doesn't Petersfield have a Mexican, it would make a fortune? 

17 Twitter or Facebook?

a) Twitter

b) Facebook

c) Are they mutually exclusive?

d) No

e) Okay then, both

18 Point of clarification

a) That last question was flawed. How do I

          indicate that I use neither?

b) Answer d) No

c) Ah

d) No d)

e) No Ah! Not “R”

f) Ah

19 Rugby or football?

a) Oval ball

b) Round ball

c) I like both AND understand how a grown man (or woman) can be kicked

          and punched playing rugby and yet burst into tears if another
          player so much as touches him (or her) playing football.

20 Have you ever fancied a cartoon character?

a) Yes

b) No

c) What sort of question is that for Christ’s sake?

21 Are you religious?

a) Yes

b) No

c) See what you did there 

22 What would be your ideal holiday destination?

a) Ivory Coast

b) Egypt

c) Libya

d) Japan

e) I think I’ll stay at home this year

23 Mars, Galaxy or Milky Way?

a) Mars

b) Galaxy

c) Milky Way

d) Space travel never appealed, not even as a child

24 Salt and Vinegar, Cheese and Onion or Plain

a) Salt and Vinegar

b) Cheese and Onion

c) Plain

d) That reminds me, can we add Gary Lineker to the list

          in question 13

25 Where do you stand on trials for common assault?

a) Prison sentencing should be mandatory

b) Bring back hard labour
c) It's a commoner, what do you expect. 

d) Portsmouth, but we may get our own court in Havant

*For the purpose of this questionnaire “Leigh Park” should be regarded as Greater Leigh Park, Havant, Bedhampton, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Horndean and Clanfield.

Banging Bordon

A party in Barracks Close goes on beyond 3:30am 

Maverick Television, maker of Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies, is to base itself in Bordon, north of Petersfield, to film a series about noisy neighbours this summer.

Series Producer Meg Affone told Newswire: “This is a nailed-on certainty to be a great show, just the sort of cringe worthy TV that so many of our viewers like to watch these days.

“There should be feuding, arguing and hopefully some fisticuffs as the warm summer nights approach and uncaring neighbours blare their migraine-inducing music out of wide open windows until the early hours.

“It used to be the case that you could call in a police officer to smooth things over, but I've been reliably informed there hasn’t been one of those seen in the area for months. So bring it on.”

Bordon isn’t the only local town set to host new TV series with ITV1’s Jeremy Bile Show setting up base in a pre-fab studio in a clearing in Havant Thicket.

This venture was the host’s idea, Bile told the national press: “I know my show gets a slating from many quarters, but it is hugely popular with the young unemployed. It gives them something to get out of bed for.

“There is a huge number of grunting unemployed chavs in this area and we are providing them with their chance to be seen on TV.

“We’ll have oodles of material here with dysfunctional families and all the topics we normally cover available on tap.”

The makers of Channel 4’ Big Fat Gypsy Weddings are also rumoured to be moving into the same pre-fab studio with a view to making a series entitled “My Spaced Out Hoodie Wedding” but Newswire has yet to receive confirmation that this has received the funding required.