2011 Senseless

The deadline for completion of the 2011 Senseless is drawing near, or has it passed, it's difficult to know.

The townsfolk of Petersfield have been far better than the national average at completing and returning the form; either on-line, or by post. However, householders in surrounding towns and villages have been less efficient.

The thought of supplying personal details has worried many, so Newswire has supplied a small sample of the official form, applicable to people in the Petersfield area, so our readers can see there is nothing to be concerned about:

1  Where do you live?

a) Petersfield or a nearby village

b) Elsewhere in the South Downs National Park (SDNP)

c) I’m too embarrassed to say

2  Where were you on the night of Sunday, March 27th?

a) At my home

b) At a friend’s house or swingers’ party

c) I visited several properties, got chased out of a couple

      and returned home in the early hours to Leigh Park*

3  What is your marital status?

a) Married

b) With a permanent partner

c) Single, although I like to think I’m loved as I have a

       pet dog/cat

c) ‘Ave you seen the state of me?

4  How many people normally reside at your home?

a) 1-4

b) 5-8

c) I only count them up when I need to review my

       family benefit

5  How would you describe your sexuality?

a) Straight

b) Homosexual

c) Whatever I can get my hands on

d) Are goats illegal?

6  Have you ever suffered from any Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

a) Never

b) When you say suffer, does bad itching count?

c) I live in Bordon, so it’s in the water

d) Regarding question 5, it is my own goat, although I do share it 

7  Have you ever worked out your porn name using your first pet and

    mother’s maiden name method?

a) What’s a porn name?

b) Yes

c) My mother isn’t sure who my father is and that is the name she gave me

8  Did you vote at the last election?

a) Of course, I exercised my democratic right

b) I couldn’t be arsed

c) No, so I tell people I got locked out at the last minute

d) Can you really catch an STD from tap water?

9  Katie or Zara?

a) Katie

b) Zara

c) Is it so very wrong to say The Duchess of York?

                           (Skip to question 13)

10  Designer stubble or clean shaven?

a) Designer stubble

b) Clean shaven

c) Ann Widdecombe

d) Clarissa Dickson Wright (Skip to question 12)

e) We are talking chin here aren’t we?

11  Slim or curvaceous? (After answering this question move on to
question 13)

a) Victoria Beckham

b) Nigella Lawson

c) Dawn French

d) How far can we take this?

12  Slim or not-so-slim?

a) Peter Crouch

b) David Beckham

c) Wayne Rooney

d) Does it really have to be a footballer and even if it does

        why does it have to be Rooney?

13  Come the revolution, who would be first for the firing squad?  (Choose 4)

a) Gok Wan

b) Simon Cowell

c) Katie (Jordan) Price

d) Ronaldo

e) Please note Jeremy Kyle has been

        pre-selected on your behalf 

14  Where do you prefer to have an evening meal?

a) McDonalds or Dominos Pizza

b) Ask

c) We just did...

d) Any Michelin starred establishment

e) I’d rather have a curry any day

f) Does Mcdonalds or Dominos Pizza class as a “meal”?

15  What would you consider the MOST annoying?

a) To continue to receive daily Dominos Pizza leaflets

b) To meet in one room and at the same time all of those listed in question 13

16 Chinese or Indian?

a) Chinese

b) Indian
c) Why doesn't Petersfield have a Mexican, it would make a fortune? 

17 Twitter or Facebook?

a) Twitter

b) Facebook

c) Are they mutually exclusive?

d) No

e) Okay then, both

18 Point of clarification

a) That last question was flawed. How do I

          indicate that I use neither?

b) Answer d) No

c) Ah

d) No d)

e) No Ah! Not “R”

f) Ah

19 Rugby or football?

a) Oval ball

b) Round ball

c) I like both AND understand how a grown man (or woman) can be kicked

          and punched playing rugby and yet burst into tears if another
          player so much as touches him (or her) playing football.

20 Have you ever fancied a cartoon character?

a) Yes

b) No

c) What sort of question is that for Christ’s sake?

21 Are you religious?

a) Yes

b) No

c) See what you did there 

22 What would be your ideal holiday destination?

a) Ivory Coast

b) Egypt

c) Libya

d) Japan

e) I think I’ll stay at home this year

23 Mars, Galaxy or Milky Way?

a) Mars

b) Galaxy

c) Milky Way

d) Space travel never appealed, not even as a child

24 Salt and Vinegar, Cheese and Onion or Plain

a) Salt and Vinegar

b) Cheese and Onion

c) Plain

d) That reminds me, can we add Gary Lineker to the list

          in question 13

25 Where do you stand on trials for common assault?

a) Prison sentencing should be mandatory

b) Bring back hard labour
c) It's a commoner, what do you expect. 

d) Portsmouth, but we may get our own court in Havant

*For the purpose of this questionnaire “Leigh Park” should be regarded as Greater Leigh Park, Havant, Bedhampton, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Horndean and Clanfield.

Sounding Off

Infinity and beyond… well, Leigh Park any way

Councillor Mona Lott, speaking on behalf of the Clanfield, Horndean and Vicinity Society (CHAVS), has written to the Highways Agency complaining about the increased noise levels on the A3.

Lott, clearly ill-informed, told us that much of the traffic that currently uses the A3 breaks the sound barrier, causing constant disruption to residents of Clanfield, Horndean and Rowlands Castle (north Leigh Park).

“We never used to have to put up with this much noise,” insisted Cllr Lott. “And can you imagine how bad it will be once the Devil’s Punchbowl Slingshot Tunnel is opened next year. Some of these vehicles will really be able to get up a head of steam as they come down this long straight stretch.

"It'll be like the Hardon Collider."

We pointed out to Cllr Lott that while the speed of sound is variable, largely dependent upon temperature and atmospheric composition, in the Leigh Park region, this is likely to be around 760mph. The current speed limit is considerably less at 70mph.

Cllr Lott wouldn’t be deterred and added: “That’s what you say, but we can all hear the traffic boom booming all through the day and night. There are no speed cameras, no speed bumps and the state of the road doesn’t help.

“They need to resolve the matter, adjust the sound barrier or improve the road surface or something. We cannot go on like this.”

The matter is now in the hands of the Highways Agency, who will we are sure, deal with the matter very sensitively.

Cllr Lott also said something about flooded roads, and how the water runs downhill and causes puddles at the bottom. At this point the rest of the society had retired for the evening and the councillor was left banging the table.