Friday, September 25, 2009

Crack theory

In a desperate attempt to fleece more money from visitors to the town, pedestrians in Petersfield are to be charged for walking on the cracks in the pavement.

“Our recent changes to the extortionate car parking charges have not generated quite as much cash as we’d like,” said East Hants District Council spokesman Johnny Lightfingers.

“We started charging on Sundays, insist on using machines that don’t give change or take credit cards, and we sneakily set the minimum charge to 90p knowing that most people would have to pay a pound, because who has 90p in change?

“But none of this has worked, we’re still falling short on our budgets – and some sneaky people have started leaving their cars at home and walking into town. Can you believe it?

“So, to make up the shortfall created by the underhandedness of these brazen pedestrian cheats, we’ve decided to hit them where it hurts – in the foot, or thereabouts.”

Lightfingers said he would be creating a crack team of, er, crack inspectors to monitor the central areas of the town, especially in the evenings as those who have imbibed a few drinks are less likely to hop from paving slab to paving slab without touching the cracks.

Haberdasher Matt Tress commented: “Serves them right, those swine who walk past my shop when they could be driving a car up the High Street!”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

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