Traditional games of conkers will be able to go ahead at Market Town Junior School - despite a ban by killjoy Health & Safety officers.
Teacher Ben Smug has come up with a brainwave to save the longstanding kids' game from the clutches of political madness.
He has instructed his art class pupils to paint ping-pong balls brown and thread them on string to create 'safe' conkers.
"It's proving very popular - and safe," said Mr Smug. "I'm thinking of putting a few on eBay to raise money for school funds."
However, 10-year-old Wayne McChavitt said: "Actually, they're completely shit."