School's discovery continues to fuel further development

The new logo in all its glory

A local school is set to make history as it applies for planning permission to build a petrol station on its land.

Market Town Big School's head teacher, Ms Dee Tention, is determined to maximise any profit that the school is set to make since workmen struck oil on the school premises.

Tention explained: “We are looking to capitalise on the situation and this seems the logical next step. It was unfortunate that the original land had to be sold off, but I desperately needed a sauna and steam room, and our finance team could see no other reasonable way of funding the build.

“Now it looks as though we will have more money than we know what to do with and I want to ensure that none of this goes to waste.

“I have spoken to Al Kaloid in our chemistry department and he is going to establish whether he can arrange the refinement of the oil, and do whatever it is that needs to be done to sell it on to the public.

“Kaloid looked a little uncertain, but I was very clear with him: if he’s not up to the simple challenge, we will be looking for a new chemistry teacher.

“We haven’t yet set on a name for the fuel outlet but quite like the idea of The Petrol Station (TPS)."

Playing-field sell-off leads to untold riches

Security staff have been called in to protect the motherlode

A local school, so desperate for cash that it resorted to selling some of its land to one of the huge supermarket chains, has struck oil.

Market Town Big School's head teacher, Dee Tention, sold some of her school land to make life more comfortable for current staff and in the hope that modern facilities would improve results.

At the time many local residents were up in arms, claiming that the land was irreplaceable and that the health of children, which should be paramount, would suffer as playing fields and sports facilities were given up.

But the sale of the land controversially went through and the improvement of school facilities is going ahead. And first to be completed was the head teacher's new office.

“It’s fabulous.” said Tention. “Oak panelled walls, antique furniture and the seal skin wing-back armchairs are more luxurious than I ever imagined they'd be. They're so well finished.

“The only slight down side to this is that my sauna and steam room will now have to be put on hold. You see I was having a room added below ground level, underneath my office; and it was while the workmen were digging the foundations that they struck oil.”

Specialists have been called in to establish how much oil there is under the school, but the future of the site now looks secure - and plans to sell off more of the playing fields can be put on hold, perhaps permanently.

Tention said: “This should guarantee us an “outstanding” at the next Ofsted inspection, and I can start looking at five-star cruises for next summer.”

School takes photos of teenagers jumping in air

Delighted pupils celebrate a GCSE in brown envelope manufacture

Petersfield students have been celebrating another record year of GCSE success.

A staggering 230% of Market Town Big School pupils this summer left school with 10 A* grades.

"It sounds good but to be honest they're a piece of piss these days," admitted headteacher Jim Shorts.

"We usually start by getting pupils to take several subjects a year or two early, and then we up the percentage - and our place in the league tables - by getting the more able pupils to take the same ones again and again.

"To be honest the really poncey subjects like drama and dance can usually be passed in a lunch-break, and with the harder subjects of course the teachers can always finish off the coursework if it's not up to scratch.

"None of them actually know anything but the parents are happy and our place in the league table is assured."

A Government spokesman confirmed Gordon Brown was delighted with the school's statistics.

Fake conkers are hit

Traditional games of conkers will be able to go ahead at Market Town Junior School - despite a ban by killjoy Health & Safety officers.

Teacher Ben Smug has come up with a brainwave to save the longstanding kids' game from the clutches of political madness.

He has instructed his art class pupils to paint ping-pong balls brown and thread them on string to create 'safe' conkers.

"It's proving very popular - and safe," said Mr Smug. "I'm thinking of putting a few on eBay to raise money for school funds."

However, 10-year-old Wayne McChavitt said: "Actually, they're completely shit."