No snow joy for desperate media

Petersfield was filled with desperate TV camera crews and news reporters this afternoon after a brief snow flurry.

GMTV quickly had a petite blonde with a speech defect located on a bridge over the A3 in anticipation of more stories of ‘family horror stuck in the snow’.

But they left disappointed after the snow failed to cause a single car to skid off the road.

A spokesman for Delta FM admitted: “We were preparing to double our news team to two to cope with the demand of people phoning in and telling us how bad it was just so their friends could hear them on the radio.

“But it just didn’t happen. We did manage to get a piece on an 82-year-old woman who sprained an ankle when she slipped in The Causeway, but that wasn’t caused by snow, only an apple core.”

However, more snow is predicted for the region, as the Meteorological Office confirmed.

“Snow is on the way,” said weatherman Armitage Shanks. “It will be quite heavy and is anticipated in February next year.”

Meanwhile local newspapers are encouraging readers to send in their snowflake pictures for a 16-page supplement.

• Read about “Causeway ankle agony after apple attack” in next week’s 23 Petersfield-based media outlets.

Bridge collapse linked to Petersfield 'terror' cell

The worst thing for South West Trains

 since leaves on the line

Police are investigating claims that members of a Petersfield-based commuter ‘terrorist’ cell were today responsible for the collapse of a railway bridge in the London area (see here).

It is alleged that members of Petersfield Affirmative Action (PAA) deliberately targeted the bridge in an effort to deflect media attention away from the power shortage at Petersfield railway station which also led to delays on South West Train routes into London today.

A police spokesman confirmed: “We are certainly investigating these claims as we have been aware of the existence of the PAA for some time.

"It would be true that Petersfield would have been more in the public glare today had it not been for the collapsed bridge at Feltham. And following previous investigations we know that the PAA will go to any lengths to ensure there is nothing in the media which could possibly harm house prices in the east Hampshire town or the artificially high cost of a South West Trains season ticket.”

The power shortage at Petersfield is believed to have been caused by thousands of the town’s residents putting on the kettle at the end of today’s GMtv show on ITV.

A spokesman for South West Trains said: “The problem with Petersfield is that many of the residents are either past retirement age or simply don’t need to work. So they spend much of the day watching television and making cups of tea.

“It’s not unusual for the level crossing gates to stay down if their position coincides with the end of Loose Women. And we hardly ever see a train at all during the ad breaks for Location, Location, Location and Grand Designs, or any cookery programme featuring a recipe involving sun-dried tomatoes.”