Times changed so trains leaf earlier...

No image manipulation was used in this stunning picture ...

Bored with the everyday humdrummery of running a railway, staff at South West Trains (SWT) have been passing the time while waiting for its trains by renaming the seasons.

As this sign at Petersfield Railway Station confirms, we're now in the thick of "Leaf Fall Season" or, as it used to be known, "autumn".

SWT bosses decided to rename Autumn back at the height of barbeque and sunburn season.

As stationmaster Ivor Whistle explained: "Our new name for autumn highlights the evil, untamed, malignant leaves that blight our lives and should be banned. Kill the trees.

"It also distracts attention from our crappy trains that get stuck in leaves a two-year-old could kick their way through."

SWT have now planned future delays well into scrapy windscreen season.

New service for Petersfield commuters

South West Trains has introduced a new service of "mystery tours" to its commuter timetables.

The exciting new services are now departing Petersfield station several times daily.

Passengers are informed of the special service once aboard through a series of cryptic clues from which they have to work out their likely destination and time of arrival.

Some of the clues include "we apologise for the delay to this service", "the next station is Haslemere where this train will now terminate" and the deliciously sinister "would the guard please contact the driver".

On the return journey, commuters could be diverted on to an entirely different line, ending up in the charming cathedral city of Winchester, the bustling port of Southampton, or Havant.

Head of creative synnovation at South West Trains, Daventry McAllister, said: "This is the biggest step forward in train adventure since 2005, when we introduced trolley staff who don't speak English."

Price freeze receives cool response

A Petersfield station similar to

the one not referred to in the story

South West Trains have come under fire from Petersfield commuters' group Pompous Commuters Gone Mad (PC GM) after announcing a price freeze this year.

A handful of commuters have reacted angrily to the recent announcement by South West Trains that season ticket prices are not to be increased this January.

“How does this reflect on us?” demanded Ophelia Thighs, from PC Gone Mad.

“I’m always telling my colleagues at work about how we live in such a beautiful, affluent, rural spot; and now the world is going to see that our season-ticket prices have been put on hold. It’s scandalous.

“I know they will all be smirking at me behind my back. Arriva’s fares will be increasing by five per cent and the fares of my workmates who use First Great Western will be increased by up to four per cent. Why are we being left with no increase, zilch, zippo, niet?

“There should be a law against this sort of thing. It doesn’t need to be much, just a token increase; enough to show that SWT feel they can impose a charge without it mattering to us.

"Surely some of those chaps who work out on the line in the cold could do with a little more money; any sort of increase would be welcome."

Bridge collapse linked to Petersfield 'terror' cell

The worst thing for South West Trains

 since leaves on the line

Police are investigating claims that members of a Petersfield-based commuter ‘terrorist’ cell were today responsible for the collapse of a railway bridge in the London area (see here).

It is alleged that members of Petersfield Affirmative Action (PAA) deliberately targeted the bridge in an effort to deflect media attention away from the power shortage at Petersfield railway station which also led to delays on South West Train routes into London today.

A police spokesman confirmed: “We are certainly investigating these claims as we have been aware of the existence of the PAA for some time.

"It would be true that Petersfield would have been more in the public glare today had it not been for the collapsed bridge at Feltham. And following previous investigations we know that the PAA will go to any lengths to ensure there is nothing in the media which could possibly harm house prices in the east Hampshire town or the artificially high cost of a South West Trains season ticket.”

The power shortage at Petersfield is believed to have been caused by thousands of the town’s residents putting on the kettle at the end of today’s GMtv show on ITV.

A spokesman for South West Trains said: “The problem with Petersfield is that many of the residents are either past retirement age or simply don’t need to work. So they spend much of the day watching television and making cups of tea.

“It’s not unusual for the level crossing gates to stay down if their position coincides with the end of Loose Women. And we hardly ever see a train at all during the ad breaks for Location, Location, Location and Grand Designs, or any cookery programme featuring a recipe involving sun-dried tomatoes.”