Crack me up

Minor subsidence on Heath Road

Residents in Petersfield are overjoyed at the terrible state of some of the pavements in the town with a spokesman for Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS) saying: “Great! Something we can genuinely moan about…”

For months now various PRATS in the city have complained about irrelevant and un-emotive issues but the decrepit condition of pavements in areas such as Heath Road, Love Lane, Hylton Road, Upper Heyshott, Charles Street and Noreuil Road is giving the society’s members something to get their false teeth into.

Loose paving slabs, broken concrete and sunken holes have left disabled and elderly pedestrians pointing and muttering under their breath.

PRAT Alf Waydown, of Upper Horseshoe, said he tripped up over a loose paving slab in Heath Road three years ago and has only just hit the ground.

“It was one hell of a height,” he said, pointing and muttering under his breath.

Skateboarder Will E Fast, 15, of Upper Lower Up Down, said: “I blame disabled and elderly people. If they didn’t stand around pointing and muttering under their breath the land would not subside underneath them.”

A spokesman for Hampshire County Council – the authority responsible for paving – agreed that disabled and elderly people standing around pointing and muttering under their breath does cause problems with pavements and roadways.

He explained: “Generally they will stand in the same place for some minutes, pointing and muttering under their breath, which allows moisture to get into the cracks which appear momentarily. Then in winter the moisture freezes and causes the paving slabs and Tarmac to crack and lift.

“It is a problem common to areas riddled with disabled and elderly people standing around pointing and muttering under their breath.”

One solution put forward by greedy traders is to ban disabled and elderly people – who may have a tendency to stand around pointing and muttering under their breath – from the town’s High Street and Square at weekends and bank holidays.

“Disabled and elderly people who may have a tendency to stand around pointing and muttering under their breath, tend not to have the same disposable income as middle-aged solicitors with huge 4x4s,” said haberdasher, jeweller and self-appointed traders’ mouthpiece Matt Tress, “so I’m all in favour of getting rid of them.”

However a spokesman for PRATS said: “Great! Something we can genuinely moan about…”

For more on this story and the latest on general subsidence in the East Hampshire area see this week’s Petersfield Proust.