Thursday, May 13, 2010

Petersfield 'youth worker' finally admits true age

Parents are now wondering if any other members
of the popular youth project are over 18

A well-known Petersfield youth worker has been forced to stand down after it was discovered he was not actually a youth.

Bill Stickers helped to make Ledley King’s Knees Youth Project the most popular in the town over the last nine years. But he stood down last weekend after it was revealed he was actually 60-years-old.

One parent said: “We started to suspect something a few weeks ago. Bill has worked tirelessly for the past nine years but he was no longer looking like a teenager.

“His trousers were hoisted to the correct height, he got up before midday, didn’t grunt at people and wasn’t completely out of his head on half a bottle of White Lightning.

“We realised he wasn’t a teenager at all. He has no right to call himself a youth worker.”

An emotional Stickers admitted that the last few years of pretending to be 17-years-old had taken its toll.

“To be honest I was getting bored of lying in bed playing on the X-Box,” said Stickers.

“And I’ve drunk enough Bacardi Breezers to sink a battleship in the last three years. I’m now 60 and I couldn’t pretend any more.

“I was also experiencing language difficulties as I speak English and increasingly I’m finding the youngsters no longer use that language as a means of communication.

“I decided the time had arrived for me to come clean about my age and retire, especially as my ‘Charlie Chester says Relax’ T-shirt was starting to get a bit frayed around the edges.

“I’ve enjoyed working with the youngsters in Petersfield but I have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

Following Stickers’ retirement there now exists a vacancy for a youth worker at the Ledley King’s Knees Youth Project.

Applicants should be aged under 18, experienced in walking around showing their underwear, know all the bar staff of The Gorge public house by name, have a Facebook account, possess an iPod featuring stuff that in no way resembles ‘real music’, and be prepared to demand a skatepark despite never having owned a pair of roller-skates or a skateboard.

Applications should be written in crayon, accompanied by a 100-word essay on What I did during the school holidays and handed in at the town hall – the big building at the end of the car park where all the grown-ups walk in and out.

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