'S no disaster

 

You can't get the staff. 

  

A group of posh students from across East Hampshire gathered at Ditch-It Park school (leafy South Downs) last Friday, where they had been invited to a conference. Conversation soon drifted to the weather, as it is prone to do in this country, and the meeting was subsequently labelled a "Climate Conference", to make it sound valuable.

It all started when Melissa Schiffer-Brains (The Big School - Petersfield) said: "I say it's a bit chilly this morning, don't you think? Positively parky".

"I agree" chimed in Valencia Tumble-Twatt (Bojangles - Steep). "I almost slipped getting into Daddy's Hi Lux this morning, the frost was so awful".

We even had frost on Portsea Island, and that's fairly unusual" added Jeremy Balls-Deep (Portsmouth Old Fashioned - Portsmouth).

"The council gritted around our house last night" declared Shane Jenkins (Staunton Dark - Rowlands Castle).

 
"Goodness!" said a very surprised Tumble-Twatt. "Daddy won't let the council anywhere near our estate. He gets his own men to clear the ice".

 
"That's extraordinary". Imogen Top-Snobbery (The Posh School - Petersfield) joined the conversation.

 
Tumble Twatt looked incredulous, "what is?"

 
"That someone from Rowlands Castle was invited to attend this conference!" exclaimed Top-Snobbery.

 
"My letter said something about social inclusion" said Jenkins.

 
"That or simple clerical error" snorted Top-Snobbery.

 
"Anyway, this isn't cold" said Tumble-Twatt with something of a smug grin. "Last year when we were skiing in Valdisere, the temperature dropped to -10. Mummy had to arrange for a man to warm our ski boots before we could even consider having the servant pull them on".

 
"It was unseasonably cold in St Moritz last month". Clarence Asquith-Benz (Ditch-It Park) reported. "I understand the temperature didn't get above -14 during our entire stay.

 
"It was so cold Mummy's Dom Perignon bottles cracked in the Lexus".

 
"My god, what did you do?" enquired Tumble-Twatt.

 
"Daddy just bought another one, the Lexus was very nearly six months old anyway and Mummy fancied a change of colour".

 
"When we New-Yeared on Whistler last year, the temperature dropped to -21" boasted Top-Snobbery.

 
"We actually lost one of our party".

 
"By jove, you lost a skier?" enquired Asquith-Benz.

"Oh Lord no. Only a butler; Daddy says it was his own fault for not wearing large enough snow shoes. He only had to carry the tray of drinks a few miles from the chalet.

"Pleased to say disaster was averted with some quick thinking by Mummy."

"Did she get someone to dig him out?" asked Asquith-Benz.

"No, she arranged to borrow a reserve butler from the Lexington-Arswipes who winter on the next slope".

Newswire launches lonely hearts club

Newswire launches Petersfield webcam service

TBS Old Boys network

 Lidl accused of being too big 

The Big School (TBS) in Petersfield has taken the highly unusual step of permanently excluding a student within 48 hours of his arrival as a new pupil.

Malawi-born Duke Lidl was told he could not attend lessons as he was older than the age declared on his application form by his parents.

Miss Representation speaking on behalf of the school told us: "This has all been a bit awkward really, starting with having to point out that in the UK he was not allowed to smoke his pipe in the classroom.

"Then we had the issue of him bringing his wife into home technology lessons – and she is not enrolled as a student. I am now led to believe that he would like to bring his grandchildren in to do drama.

"He arrives at school by bus, using an old person's bus pass and has a free lunch delivered for him by Meals on Wheels.

"This cannot go on and we have had to permanently exclude him. Nearly all teachers were in agreement; only our head of PE was against the decision. He had already pencilled Duke in to represent the school at basketball and rugby."

Lidl’s parents are to seek legal advice from a drinking pal of Duke’s in the Square Brewery. The solicitor, who declined to be named, said: “To accuse Duke of this is outrageous. I’ve been going in the same pub as him for about 20 years and can assure you he is not the deceitful kind.”

Real reason for Ugandan twinning is revealed

This Ugandan Big Issue seller shows more entreprenurial spirit than Petersfield's

Workers from Uganda have been searching for a credible reason to visit Petersfield for years. Now, the realisation that their Queen Elizabeth National Park almost shares its name with our local amenity has provided the perfect excuse.

Other similarities between the two parks can be found in their size, climate and wildlife. Uganda's national park consists of 770 square miles of rich safari parkland populated by African wildlife - lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) - while ours is a hill on which some dogs once got lost.

But the real attractions for our Ugandan visitors are in Petersfield itself. By studying our world-famous approach to urban planning, our legendary Post Office queuing system and our advanced traffic management techniques, the visitors will learn a range of skills they can later introduce to Ugandan society.

One of the visiting Ugandans whose name we, like the Petersfield Proust, didn't risk trying to spell said: "Coming to Petersfield has taught me how you can replace a single traffic warden with a complex system of residents' parking permits, kerbside restrictions and extended Sunday parking charges and still end up no better off. Now I understand the decline of the British Empire."

Other tips the Ugandans might learn include how to hold an election without your country decending into violence and how to avoid sentencing practising homosexuals to death. All useful skills in the 21st century.

Worlds Apart

The helmet that is looking to take over Petersfield

  

Newswire has received pictures throughout the year from some of its adoring fans, capturing the far-flung places from which they have logged on to catch up on events back in Petersfield.

Some show readers logging on in Ulan Bator, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and even Liverpool, although that reader did latterly have his laptop stolen.

But there was absolutely no contest for our 2010 winner, who managed to log on to the lunar version of our website whilst walking on the moon.

Our congratulations go to a local property developer, who treated himself to a journey into space with some of the profits he has made over the last couple of years.

He said: "It's simple, you take over a pub that isn't doing too well, close it down, if necessary make it into an eyesore and then get planning permission to turn the building into 50 or so flats.

"There is no limit to the amount of profit you can reap this way, providing you don't mind making yourself a little bit unpopular. As they say kids, Infinity and beyond!"

‘Bonkers’ award for A3 roundabout

 

Police say they will have spare signage from the

soon to be safer Hindhead area.

A blue heritage plaque is to be awarded to a roundabout near Petersfield as it is a rare example of ‘bonkers’ 1980s planning.

The Ham Barn roundabout at Greatham – scene of countless A3 accidents - will soon be the only traffic obstacle to motorists between London and Portsmouth.

“This roundabout is a classic example of the muddled thinking of traffic planners of the past,” said Miss Clea Rhodes, chair of the Petersfield and District Pointless Heritage Awards.

She said the award would be handed over as soon as the Hindhead tunnel opened as, at that point, Ham Barn would become even more of a joke than it has been for the past 20 years.

“Not only does this junction create a completely pointless distraction which creeps up on drivers who might reasonably think that a dual carriageway between two major cities should be a clear run, it’s not even round!” added Ms Rhodes.

“It’s a kind of kidney-shaped mess set at an angle with one side lower than the other to cause as much difficulty as possible – especially for high-sided vehicles and, of course, boy racers.

“Best of all, it is only there to provide a back way into Liss past a kebab van and access to a tiny village school at Greatham, which could have been achieved by sliproads – as at every other junction on the A3.”

However, chairman of single interest group Petersfield Tory Businessmen, Matt Tress, said: “The Ham Barn roundabout has made a vital contribution to local businesses throughout its entire life.

“Not only does it allow access to that kebab van, but there are several body repair shops which would have gone bust years ago if it wasn’t for this junction…”

That was the year that was

In traditional 'we-can't-be-arsed-to-find-any-real-news' tabloid-style journalism, here our 14-year-old work-experience public schoolboy compiles a reminder of the things brought to you by Petersfield Newswire during 2010.

Let's call it 20/10 vision ... for want of a better phrase.

Happy new year to all our reader(s).

In January we told you how the entire world was cut off from Petersfield because of a bit of snow.

February saw some new categories announced in the 2010 Petersfield in Bloom competition.

In March, a plethora of planning applications threatened to turn Petersfield into the Manhattan of the south ... and more importantly endangered the ladder against the tree in the Causeway.

As election fever started to hit Petersfield in April, one local candidate claimed Chapel Street was becoming like "a northern Chav estate..."

Petersfield was revealed as a crime 'hot-spot' in May, while in June the Petersfield Proust upset readers with its expose of a drugs factory at Bojangles School.

The requisite qualifications for a town traffic warden were announced in July, while plans for a Petersfield motorisation day were announced in August.

September saw the first alternative best in Petersfield awards, while in October, the much-criticised Post Office inaugurated an innovative, multi-tiered queuing system.

In one of 12 slow-news months, November saw the long-awaited announcement from Prince William and Kate Middleton that they would be unable to marry in Petersfield.

And finally, Santa fell foul of The White Hart's new parking restrictions in December as the ghost of profiteering present made an unwelcome appearance.

Graffiti update...

LATEST: More graffiti has appeared overnight in Petersfield - this time, the target of the 'street art', one Brian *********, has been accused of being a 'cad'.

Police are considering the possibility of exhuming the body of popular comedy actor Terry-Thomas in their search for clues.

However, his family are likely to resist any such moves, with a spokesman saying the police were "an absolute shower!".

The police are an "absolute shower!"

What ho! Graffiti outbreak hits Petersfield

An outbreak of wanton well-spoken, Victorian-style graffiti has hit Petersfield.

Police are investigating a series of messages sprayed all across the town each bearing the tell-tale individual stylings of one unknown miscreant.

The first appeared on the wall of the former pub Thw White Hart, soon to be turned into a tidy profit.

The graffiti read: “Brian ********* is a crook”. And although the sprayed words were soon painted over by a local firm of defamatory graffiti removal men, similar phrases have appeared elsewhere.

Brian ******** has subsequently been described as a blackguard (on the wall of the Taro Centre); a rapscallion (at the town’s railway station); a scoundrel (in Rams Walk); a damned swine (on the library notice board); a bounder (on six people in the Post Office queue); a ‘bargain hunter’ (on the wall of Matt Tress’ haberdashery shop – sale now on!); a charlatan (on all take-away coffee cups at Costa Coffee); and a ‘vile oaf’ (on the sign above VI Loaf Bakery).

Inspector Broom of the Yard, explained: “This is an unusual outbreak. Normally graffiti falls into two categories: the ‘such-and-such is a w****r’ variety, or the ‘BC 4 AF’ style which often uses a badly-drawn love-heart.

This latest outbreak appears to come from a different type of artist, maybe from the ‘positivist age’, where such words were not uncommon.

“As a humble copper, it is not within my bounds of authority to criticise graffiti in a context of aesthetics or the theory of beauty, merely the pursuit of a rational basis for graffiti appreciation.

“The variety of graffiti movements has resulted in a division into different disciplines, each using vastly different criteria for their judgments. Now then, now then…”

Using a skilled psychological criminal profiler police now have a firm idea of the sort of man they are looking for.

Police have issued this photofit picture of the sort of man they are looking for.

He is believed to be around 130-150 years old, probably wearing a stovepipe hat, with a long tailcoat, waistcoat and a fob watch. He is also likely to be adorned with mutton-chop whiskers and carrying an ornate walking cane.

A man who earns a living as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lookalike is currently helping police with their enquiries.

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Merry Christmas to our reader ...

Many thanks to all our followers and readers who have voted us the top website called Petersfield Newswire in the recent Top Site Called Petersfield Newswire Awards 2010, in association with Petersfield Newswire.

We couldn’t have done it without you. Actually that’s tosh! Clearly we could … and did. But the sentiment’s there.

Just who are the men behind the Newswire?

Maybe this candid shot from the office party will give a clue

Anyway, happy Christmas and thanks for your support which has given us the will to keep going throughout 2010 and into 2011. We may even take local advertising next year so if you’re interested in supporting us drop a line to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk.

If you want to support us but don’t have a business to plug, drop us a line anyway and we’ll tell you where to send food and drink…

And don't forget if you think you know who one of us is, you can approach us in the street and say: "I think you're a member of the Petersfield Newswire team and here's my £10 donation." Not forgetting of course, to make the £10 donation. We're sorry, we no longer accept cheques but Port and whisky are always appreciated.

Have a good one.

Clint, Frank, DJ, Cyrano and Plato.

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Churches may foot bill for 'illegal parking'

 Penny Pinching

East Hampshire District Council has hit upon a unique way of boosting its flagging finances – it’s started clamping illegally parked piles of snow in its car parks.

Penny Pinching, the council’s finance officer, explained: “At a hastily convened council meeting, a resolution was passed to treat piles of snow as we would any other illegally parked item.

“Admittedly the wheelclamps have had to be modified slightly but at £400 per day we believe that, across all our parks, we will soon have sufficient funds to send all our officers and councillors on a free ‘fact-finding mission’ to the Caribbean before any more snow falls.”

Ms Pinching accepted that the policy might be difficult to enforce but insisted the full force of civil law would be brought to bear on transgressors.

She added: “One might imagine that ownership of the snow might be difficult to substantiate, but if it has been piled up by an individual or corporation then that person or corporation is culpable and will be fined accordingly.

“And if ownership can not be proved in this realm then we will simply bill all the local churches, for if they believe in and worship God, then it is only right and proper they are prepared to pay His debts.

“The charges will accumulate on a daily basis because extensive research has shown us that towing away snow is like trying to nail water to a wall.”

Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”

Freedom to slash

A Lib-Dem MP makes a promise to a constituent

Petersfield councillors are celebrating after being given the ‘freedom’ to slash their own services.

The Con-Dem coalition government is planning to ‘empower’ local councils to ‘get more for less’ - shortly after decimating spending on everything from schools to skate parks and libraries to lesbian drop-in centres.

If services have to be cut ministers have generously told councils “No, you tell them…”

And Lib-Dem councillors – who were previously opposed to slashing public services – are now backing the move as “a victory for localism”.

Cllr Philip Flop, who signed a pledge to protect Petersfield from cuts before the last election, said: “This is a victory for localism.”

He added: “We Liberals have always wanted a little bit of power and now we’ve got it we intend to use it. I may even sack myself…”

Petersfield’s Tory MP Damian Hindsight said: “It’s nothing to do with me, all decisions on local spending are down to the council.”

Row breaks out over Petersfield 'tweet and greet'

 

Bush telegraph 

  
A war of words has broken out between two groups of Petersfield ‘tweeters’ – each laying claim to the sobriquet.

Last Thursday evening a group of individuals who use the social network site Twitter met in The George for what they described as a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

And over the weekend birdwatchers from across the south gathered in Moggs Mead and turned their cameras and long lenses on a tree in search of an elusive specimen. They also claimed to be attending a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

Word spread quickly Friday evening and Saturday morning that the rarest of species, a lesser-spotted, working-class waxwing, had been spotted in the town and dozens of people with nothing to do and too much money to do it with arrived in the town clutching their expensive cameras, and wearing fatigues and wide-brimmed hats.

A spokesman for the latter insisted they were the only group entitled to use the word ‘tweet’.

He said: “As bird-watching has been around for hundreds of years surely ‘tweet’ is our province. These Johnny-come-latelies with their inter-web chitter-chatter should call themselves something else otherwise it gets confusing.

“Two of our members rushed into The George on Thursday night, cameras at the ready, believing somebody might have spotted a drink for under £4. And on Saturday morning a teenager with his underwear clearly visible over the waistband of his denim trousers frightened off the waxwings with his constant typing of inane messages on some fruit-based mobile phone.

“The working-class waxwing is hardly ever spotted this close to the Surrey commuter belt. We feel the group may have been blown off course by the hot air generated by the letter writers of the Petersfield Proust. They perched in the trees looking aghast at the richness of comestibles available on the various bird tables.

“Such working-class species are used only to scraps, not smoked salmon blinis. It was a big day for us. Our missing members will be heartbroken and it’s all down to this other group.”

A spokesperson for the social-networking group – which allows messages of up to 140 characters to be sent anywhere in the world – explained: “We all use the Twitter service and our messages are known as Tweets. This fitted in with the words ‘Petersfield’ and ‘meet’, so naturally we (message truncated)”

The driver of a four-wheel drive BMW, held up by the overspill of bird-watchers in Moggs Mead added: “I don’t know about Tweeting, but if they don’t get out of my bloody way I’m going to start twatting some of ‘em in a minute…”

Not medium rare - firm to soft

 

Horse meat could become part of our stable diet

This week's Petersfield Proust is offering you the chance to win a share of a racehorse, a wonderful prize at this time of year.

Following the vicious cold snap and the death of Bernard Matthews, turkeys are harder to come by this year, and, as Christmas nears, there is expected to be a shortage of the festive birds.

Adverts around Petersfield offer townsfolk the chance to hunt down their own turkeys at a free-range turkey shoot. Champagne and mince pies included, the fun day out costs only £120.

The price may put this option out of the reach of some families at the rough end of town, towards Havant, down near the trailer park, and in recognition of this The Proust has come up with an inspirational alternative.

We asked one passer-by what he thought and he told us: "The French have always eaten horse; I don't see a problem with it.

"So long as you don't mind growing excess hair under your arms, smelling and running away at the drop of un chapeau, it could be a welcome addition to your diet.”

Spy scandal hits Petersfield

 

Signal flag clearly visible near to the back of the Pilates Gym 

Newswire can report that a network of spies is working in the centre of Petersfield.

It is understood the spies are passing information to Midhurst Town Council and that it is possible that they were instrumental in ensuring that Midhurst would be the location of the South Downs administrative head office.

It would appear the spy ring proved so invaluable to Petersfield’s rival town that Midhurst officials are continuing to employ these underhand snitches to feed back valuable information for shopkeepers in the potentially profitable run-up to Christmas.

A double-agent, happy to take a back-hander from Newswire could not divulge much information, but pointed out a signal system positioned in the gardens at the back of Waitrose car park. This is clearly visible to the public and is positioned next to the Pilates gym.

We are reliably informed that the spy leaving the messages is codenamed “Pugwash”.

The flag currently hoisted is the black and yellow quartered maritime flag which represents the letter “L”. When used as a stand-alone communication, the flag conveys the message: “Please stop.I have something important to communicate to you”.

This could be a sign that the spies are getting careless, blatantly leaving messages that any old sailor or boy scout could interpret.

If any of our readers can provide any further information that will help us to expose these miscreants please contact us and let us know.

'Young couple' denied chance to do 'something interesting'

A 'young couple' not wholly dissimilar to the 'young couple'

not involved in 'something interesting' yesterday

Civil rights campaigners have protested after a ‘young couple’ in Petersfield were prohibited from doing ‘something interesting’ which would have been worthy of a front-page story in the local press.

Gil Fordfour, a human rights lawyer who previously defended the Tamworth Two, insists the young couple – known as the ‘young couple’ for legal reasons – were all set to do something which would finally have generated some genuine news in Petersfield.

But, he says, local media chiefs prevented the ‘something interesting’ from happening as they already had their front pages allocated to a story about a frozen chicken in Steep and a dispute over an illuminated shop sign which involved two advertisers.

Fordfour explained: “It was clear from my off-the-record discussions with the local newspapers in Petersfield that they felt ‘something interesting’of this magnitude would have necessitated the launch of a third weekly newspaper. And they weren’t prepared to entertain that thought.

“It’s a sad day for human rights when this ‘young couple’ can’t do their ‘something interesting’ and get the publicity they were seeking.”

Local media commentator Meeja Hor explained: “The ‘young couple’ in question were entitled to the publicity they craved but they chose the wrong town. Neither local paper was prepared to shift their agreed front-page lead, local magazine Petersfield Wife was chatting to an interior designer and local radio station Faulty FM was on half-day closing.

“Although in a town the size of Petersfield there is clearly a need for three weekly newspapers the current economic climate prevents anybody from challenging the might of the Petersfield Proust and the Petersfield Hear-all.

“Residents can rest assured that this week’s papers will be full of the same local guff they always are: pictures of old people lining up, letters of ill-informed complaint and quotes from the same publicity-hungry traders.

"If you want to discover more about the ‘young couple’ doing something interesting you should read the national newspapers – they’re really struggling for news on rich kids asking for sponsorship to take a year off.”

Local human-rights campaigner and roof specialist Peter Thatchall was unavailable for comment.

Wikileaks reveals Petersfield's ‘Bourbon war’

Nobody is quite sure how the information was leaked

Petersfield councillors came close to declaring war this year, it has been revealed by the Wikileaks organisation.

Hundreds of secret documents have been unveiled on the website, including a particularly nasty exchange over which type of biscuits should be provided for refreshment at council meetings.

The leaks reveal a simmering feud between lovers of Bourbon and enthusiasts of Rich Tea – with one rebel fighting the corner for Custard Creams.

The biscuit battle was finally won by the Rich Tea brigade (mainly because they’re cheaper) but a series of leaked emails show just how close the council came to raised voices.

Among the previously secret documents is an email from Tory councillor Freddie Ponsonby-Ponce saying: “I must declare my support for Rich Tea – to spend taxpayers’ money on a foreign Frog-Eyetie hybrid biscuit like the Bourbon is beyond the pale.”

But fellow Conservative Mrs Hilda Blenkinsop disagreed, as revealed in an email dated June 11. “How could we possibly opt for the Rich Tea?” she wrote. “It is fundamentally a working-class biscuit and, so I am told, is even dunked into tea by some of the uneducated masses. It’s simply not right for Petersfield.”

The solitary campaigner for the Custard Cream was Lib-Dem councillor Mr Arthur Uturn who sent in a video of himself signing a formal pledge in support of his favoured biscuit. However, it is understood he has since switched his vote in favour of the Rich Tea and says he “should have been more careful” before backing the Custard Cream.

“If I had really thought anyone would take any notice of anything I said, obviously I would have thought before I promised councillors the earth…well, a custard cream.”

Other Petersfield revelations on Wikileaks include:

• a series of quotes for a new squeedgy-mop at the Taro Leisure Centre

• a debate on whether to buy screw-in Christmas lights or the traditional bayonet kind for the council’s festive tree

• details of an expenses claim for 57p for a small carton milk for an unspecified purpose

• the fact that Arthur Uturn was referred to as “a bloody idiot” during a viewing of his Custard Cream signing video at a council committee meeting in May

• details of a bugged conversation between a member of one of the town’s leading amateur dramatic groups and a suspected crime boss over the possibility of reducing prices for the 1994 run of Kiss Me Kate to an affordable level

• how a diplomatic incident was narrowly avoided after the deputy mayor accused the mayor of Barentin of ‘smelling of garlic’ during an exchange visit; and

• plans to build an underground coffee bar and charity shop in Butser Hill in case of nuclear war

Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

We're not lazy say ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 Newswire writers have denied they're resting on their laurels

A spoof Petersfield news website has been lambasted by its reader for ‘resting on its laurels’ and has been accused of ‘lazy journalism’.

Petersfield Newswire, which has squeezed a tiny bit of humour out of the East Hampshire town of Petersfield for more than a year now, has failed to post a new, hilarious contrived story for more than a week.

And town jeweller Matt Tress, who paid 50p for a three-year subscription to the website, is aghast.

“I’m aghast, “ he said. “I paid 50p for a three-year subscription and they haven’t posted a story this week.”

He also accused the site’s administrators of lazy journalism, claiming they simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story.

He added: “Very often the site’s administrators simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story. I think they are resting on their laurels because they have been mildly successful in the last couple of weeks.”

A spokesman for the site’s owners denied they were resting on laurels and refuted suggestions of lazy journalism.

“We deny we’re resting on our laurels and we refute suggestions of lazy journalism,” said the spokesman.

“For a start we can’t afford laurels and we would never go so far as to suggest the site contained any journalism. We are, however, working to rule following the proposed rise in tuition fees.

“We have an empathy with students and decided to show our support by following their example – not working for a week and drinking cheap cider and eating Pot Noodles. Unfortunately for the media in this country abnormal service will resume soon … when we can be arsed to do something.”

The last maternity unit before Hindhead tunnel...

The creche at the new unit makes good use of the Best Burger Bar's outside catering facilities

The recent closure of the Grange Maternity Centre has forced Petersfield midwife Connie Traction to set up a birthing unit in a lay-by on the A3.

The ‘Best’ birthing unit shares a generator with the Best burger bar and is unique in offering instant coffee and a bacon burger to waiting fathers-to-be.

Traction said: “Fortunately the lay-by we’ve chosen is north of the Ham Barn roundabout. If it had been south of Petersfield there was always a chance people from the area would have refused to use us as they might not want Leigh Park shown as the ‘place of birth’.

“Because of the neighbouring burger bar, we’re never short of boiling water though the towels do tend to smell of fat.

“We’re proving particularly popular with teenage mums who are quite happy to give birth in a car in a lay-by as that’s how most of them conceived – and they’re only too happy to have their placenta served up as a side-dish with the ‘famous Best mushroom burger’, their first post-birth snack.”

A spokesman for the government said: “This is just the kind of entrepreneurial spirit we’re encouraging with David Cameron’s Big Society. And it follows on organically from the Tory ethos espoused by both Norman Tebbit and Iain Duncan Smith: if the maternity unit near you has closed down just get on your bike and find another – only in this case it’s a car.”

East Hampshire District Council is monitoring the situation carefully as, if it proves successful, they may extend the lay-by to enclose a library, a pull-in centre for the elderly and a CAT scanner using discarded all-in-one Canon printers and the headlights from a MkIII Cortina.

Times changed so trains leaf earlier...

No image manipulation was used in this stunning picture ...

Bored with the everyday humdrummery of running a railway, staff at South West Trains (SWT) have been passing the time while waiting for its trains by renaming the seasons.

As this sign at Petersfield Railway Station confirms, we're now in the thick of "Leaf Fall Season" or, as it used to be known, "autumn".

SWT bosses decided to rename Autumn back at the height of barbeque and sunburn season.

As stationmaster Ivor Whistle explained: "Our new name for autumn highlights the evil, untamed, malignant leaves that blight our lives and should be banned. Kill the trees.

"It also distracts attention from our crappy trains that get stuck in leaves a two-year-old could kick their way through."

SWT have now planned future delays well into scrapy windscreen season.

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 

A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.

Divine Intervention

Iraqi vicar pleased with welcome
 

Petersfield Big School (PBS), received a visit from the vicar of Baghdad this week.

Sheik Yajosticks arrived at the school in a large black limosine and on arrival was ushered into the newly refurbished PBS reception suite, complete with bar and massage facilities.

The cleric's welcome was put together by girls from the dance faculty and was a modern take on the dance of the seven veils.

The holy man did preach very briefly to a number of students who were forced into the main hall to listen to him, but it seems likely the primary reason for his visit was to discuss the oil that was struck beneath the school site last year.

It is thought that PBS is trying to forge lucrative links with the Middle East, without drawing unwanted attention to the talks.

If Sheik Yagosticks was not here to see the oil, it would be difficult to explain why he arrived with a hard hat under his arm.

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
 

The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”