Internet bosses declare cyber war on EHDC

Thrilling stuff

Porn barons have joined forces with  Farcebook and Twatter bosses in a furious reaction to East Hampshire District Council’s decision to show council meetings live online.

“I’m furious!” declared Stevie Sleeze, marketing director for boobsonline. “How can we compete with that? It’s all right for them with their exciting debates about footpaths, bus-stops and environmental health licensing – but they’re paying for this internet dominance with taxpayers’ money.

“I mean they’re even talking about a live feed of the debate about dustbin collection times for goodness sake. All I can offer is ‘lusty milfs on bikes’ and ‘teenage vampires in thongs’ – who’s going to be interested in that now?

“It’s a disgrace! During a recession councils should be doing more to encourage entrepreneurs like me, not putting us out of business with their subsidised online excitement.”

Even Farcebook chief executive Marky Zukerberg-Friendslist took time out from tinkering with the format of nine billion users’ home pages and siphoning away the personal information of everyone on the planet to declare: “I’m seriously worried. If this thing takes off, we’re finished – look what happened to those losers at MySpace.”

And Twatter boss Mark ‘Elvis’ Costolo said: “I 8 ths, so unfr bit.lyurlehdc…”

Olympic appeal

 Melons

An online petition is calling on East Havantshire District Council to reverse its decision to pull Petersfield out of the Olympic Games.

Residents were looking forward to participating in a number of sports in the market square. Popular events were to include the Olympic Post Office queuing championships and the 26-mile Olympic Nimby Moanathon.

All the action was to have been shown on a big screen until councillors vetoed the plan, citing chronic shortsightedness.

Council official Stu Pidd said: “Nobody in the council could see the appeal of a big screen. We’re all so shortsighted here. In fact we’ve recently upgraded to a 42-inch flat screen in our boardroom at Halfpennies Place and Sally Taylor still looks a mess.”

If the new online petition is successful it means spectators will be also able to watch the women’s volleyball finals while buying market-fresh melons.

Council don’t see big picture

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

 

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

 

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

 

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

 

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

 

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

 

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

Face of farce

 Fe Fi Fo Fum

This year’s ‘Face of Petersfield’ competition degenerated into something of a farce when the competition was won by a passer-by.

May Kupp  speaking on behalf of the event organisers told Newswire: I know this is a bit unusual but to be honest the finalists were a right bunch of bulldogs chewing wasps... let’s just say they each had a great face for radio!”

The contestants were strutting their stuff, advertising the clothes that are supplied for the event, when along strolled the saviour of the day, Iman Ogre.

Kupp went on: “We grabbed him and asked if he minded joining the competition in view of the opposition and he helpfully agreed.

“It has been suggested that it’s not fair on the other contestants that a competitor who didn’t make it through the preliminary rounds went on to win. I say get over it, he’s better looking than you are.

“So we have our winner and as you can see actually he looks quite normal.”

Petersfield golfer shoots birdie

Happier times for Petersfield Golf Club’s goose

Petersfield Golf Club’s ex-club captain landed himself in court last week after shooting a birdie on the sixth.

Roger Deadfowl, a Petersfield Golf Club (PGC) member for more than 30 years, told Aldershot Magistrates Court he was acting under specific instruction from PGC general manager Larry Lion who had asked him to hunt down and kill the goose.

Lion refuted the accusation, claiming he told Deadfowl: “If you happen to kill it with one of your wayward chip shots, we’ll have to serve it up that way on the clubhouse menu, in other words with chips.

“I really didn’t mean for him to kill it; although I must say it tasted lovely, very tender, a bit like that swan we had last year.”

Deadfowl told jurors that the goose was: “A shitting machine ... shitting all over the greens, shitting all over the tees and shitting all over the fairways, in fact shitting all over the countryside. It was as if it was some sort of wild animal, it even defended itself noisily when provoked.”

Deadfowl was spotted committing the crime by fellow golfers Paul Cezanne and Vincent van Gogh, when he let the goose have it with both barrels of his sawn-off shotgun.

Gogh painted the scene for the police when they arrived at the golf club, and it wasn’t a pretty picture. “There was blood everywhere,” he said.

Somehow Deadfowl escaped punishment, claiming that for a wild animal to make noise and defecate in the countryside was a public health and safety risk.

New snack bar for Petersfield

 The College Club expected to appear on the new menu

Plans for a new food outlet in College Street have prompted fears among other insecure establishments that this might bring unwelcome competition.
 

The grade II listed building at 4 College Street is to be converted to a take-away shop offering sandwiches, rolls, cakes, pastries, muffins, baguettes, wraps, salads, baps, crisps, nuts, yoghurts, fruit salads, shakes, smoothies, milk, coffees, teas, chocolates, still water, sparkling water, flavoured water, juices, fizzy drinks and assorted nibbles.

If the proposed new development receives permission to go ahead this would hopefully see the sympathetic transformation of the dilapidated building opposite the Red Lion, currently something of an eyesore.

Luke Warmcoffy, proprietor of Malicious Gossip sandwich bar, said: "I say let it rot. This is wholly unfair; these people are likely to come in offering a high standard of inspirational new food, at annoyingly competitive prices, at a time when we really want to be increasing the cost of roast partridge and brandy-soaked truffle club sandwiches and the like.

"This needs to be reported to the Monopolies Commission or the European Court of Human Rights or whoever deals with this sort of thing."

A change of application for the protected building is currently in process and the owners of alternative food outlets are adamant that the use should not change from being an estate agent.

Mike Rowave, owner of Mixxo, said: "We have reached saturation point, Petersfield had already passed its natural limit for food outlets before we set up Mixxo, but I wasn't going to say that back then was I?"

If it isn’t a market day, and you are desperate for a takeaway snack in Petersfield you are currently restricted to Tesco, Waitrose, M&S, Tesco Express, Caffe Nero, Costa Coffee, Boots, Chinwags, Mezzo, Eden, The Red Lion, The Drum, The Good Intent, The George, The Square Brewery, The Royal Oak, British Rail Cafe, Greggs, Poppins, One Tree Bookshop, Fez, Cloisters, Folly Tree Tea Rooms, Folly Wine & Alehouse, Heidi's, Monoloco, Papa John’s, Pizza Express, Petersfield Kebab House, Rowans Deli, Tai Tong, and the Seafare and Nicky's Fish and Chip shops. This is to say nothing of the proper restaurants that would probably knock you up a snack.

Rowave added: "Whilst we have enough food outlets, there is always room for another Estate Agency. We only have Haart, Jacobs & Hunt, Cubitt & West, Gascoigne Pees and Henry Adams and we all know how buoyant the housing market is at the moment.”

Take a hike

The South Downs just south of Petersfield during the recent hot spell

Four workmates in Liss say the recent October heat has helped them with their training for a trek in the Sahara desert next month.

The four colleagues who work for Five Pennies Communication, say the conditions during their recent training on a part of the South Downs Way were similar to those they expect to experience in the Sahara.

The firm has something of a tradition of encouraging employees to take part in overseas charity projects. Don Yercoats, managing director of the firm, said: “We get good press and the staff get a holiday in the sun – I’d say it always works out pretty well.

“Providing the employees in question take the time out of their annual holiday entitlement and don’t expect additional leave, there isn’t a problem.”

Carrie Mee, the only female in the foursome has clearly done her homework. She said: “The Sahara will probably be quite hot, we are also expecting it to be dry and from what I have read, fairly sandy.”

Bin and changed

 Click on image to enlarge

Households in Petersfield have received a simple and easy to follow explanation of the revised refuse collection dates that apply to them from Monday, October 17.

That is not to say the change will affect you on Monday, October 17, because you may not have your refuse collected on a Monday.

Although when you had your refuse collected is no longer relevant, because the day your refuse is collected will change from Monday, October 17.

So if your refuse used to be collected on a Monday you will be affected from Monday, October 17.

And, you will only actually be affected if your day has changed of course.

You will also be affected on Monday, October 17, if your refuse collection used to be on a day other than Monday, and your new collection day has changed to be Monday.

Police to adopt zero tolerance in Petersfield

Police in Petersfield have requested the help of the community as they look to adopt a zero-tolerance policy on traffic offences in the town.

PC Brigade, who patrols the town on a six-monthly basis, explained: “We have started issuing tickets to people parking where they shouldn’t be. It is a revolutionary idea but we think it might work.

“And we are adopting a zero-tolerance policy. On the rare occasion we may visit the town, if there’s anybody parked illegally we will issue a ticket – it will cost a minimum of £40, but does include a three-course lunch, welcome drink and a raffle, with all proceeds going towards the police benefit charity.

“But we can only ease the parking problem in the town with the help of the community, so we are asking residents not to park illegally. Again, it’s a simple idea but we believe it may prove more effective than yellow lines and no-parking signs.”

If the scheme is successful PC Brigade believes the police authorities may adopt it to deal with other issues.

He added: “It’s not inconceivable that we may ask people nicely if they could stop taking drugs, avoid breaking into people’s houses and refrain from punching each other’s lights out in the Square on a Friday and Saturday night.

“If they don’t we may be forced to post a polite note through their letterbox asking if they could spare the time to come down to the station and maybe undertake a visit to a local court.”

Operation Model Search

Dr Who?

No sooner have Albert Einstein's theories concerning the space time continuum been called into question, than ground-breaking time travel is now been rendered possible here in Petersfield.

When we recall famous scientific ventures we more often think of CERN's Large Hadron Collider or the launch site at Cape Canaveral, but this week it is Petersfield's Rams Walk that has made the headlines.

On Saturday morning an experiment conducted under the codename ‘Model Search’, saw 18 volunteers strut up and down Rams Walk and systematically travel forwards and backwards in time.

The 'singularity' that facilitates the ability to travel in time, and so reduce the need for lengthy stays in Petersfield’s increasingly expensive car parks, lies directly beneath the Waitrose clock.

Why not try this out for yourself? As you approach the clock from The Square, make a note of the time and walk in the direction of the Waitrose car park. Once you have passed under the clock, glance back over your shoulder at the clock and you will see that you have travelled back in time by 1 hours and 11 minutes.

Any concerns can be easily mitigated by walking back under the clock in the other direction and completely reversing the effect.

Trudy Wormhole, a spokesperson for Model Search said: “We were pushed into this by yet another increase in the car park fee. Now, if you are staying in town for more than two of our normal Earth hours, or if you are late returning to your car, you can avoid receiving a fine simply by passing under the Waitrose clock!

“In fact if you are staying for less than 1 hour and 11 minutes, you can avoid paying anything at all, by getting to your vehicle in time to stop yourself spending a pound on a ticket…”

Speaking on behalf of Waitrose, Pat Hay-Foygraz, said: “I really don’t know what to say, but I can confirm we are promoting two meals for £10 at the moment.”

We asked David Tennant, once famous starey-eyed time-traveller what he thought of the situation, he told Newswire: “Two meals for a tenner sounds alright to me.”