This charming MP

Michael Mates      Morrissey

News has emerged of how retiring East Hampshire MP Michael Mates will be spending his time following the upcoming general election: he’s going to stand in for ailing miserabilist singer Morrissey.

The two met at a recent ‘Meat Is Murder’ convention and immediately recognised each other’s inability to match their dark eyebrows to their greying hair.

Following his recent collapse on stage at Swindon, former Smiths frontman Mozza was on the lookout for someone to take on the burden of some of his public appearances.

"I couldn’t believe it when Michael said he was going to be out of a job soon," said Morrissey (real name Morrissey). "I think he’ll do a great job and it will give me more time to sit around moaning."

Mates commented: "I know I’ll have to work on the quiff a bit but I’m really looking forward to it – I’ve loved him since the early days. I especially liked Margaret On The Guillotine…"