If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire … the PRATTs.
Petersfield Residents Against Thousands of Things (PRATTS) have a willing army of outspoken busybodies and know-it-alls ready to help launch a campaign of ill-informed complaint at the drop of a hat.
"The trouble with Petersfield is there’s so very little to genuinely moan about that our legion of grouchy old gits often have nowhere to direct their natural ire and disdain for the general population," said newly-elected chairman Matt Tress, who ousted former supremo Harris Tweed in a recent bloody coup.
"If you have a problem that seems inconsequential to everyone you know but you need someone with a really pointless argument to back you up, we’ll do it.
"We can orchestrate a fully fledged campaign of ill-thought out whinging so that it seems like you have the whole town behind you. We’ll write letters – and emails – to the local press, organise petitions, and even stage a vigil on your behalf.
"Parking, young people enjoying themselves, and traffic – either too much or too little – are obvious issues to raise and we have ready-made pointless campaigns in place and ready to go.
"But basically, whether you want to complain about an individual piece of litter, a particularly chivvy neighbour or the lack of dogs’ mess in your area, look no further – our members have nothing better to do and we’ll raise a stink about it."
If you wish to contact PRATTS, simply park your car a little too far from the kerb or leave your hedge unclipped for a week or two, and they will be in touch…