Tweed goes out of fashion

A man very few people have heard of has been forced to resign from a committee in which nobody is interested.

Harris Tweed, the chairman of Petersfield Residents Against Thousands of Things (PRATTS) has been ousted from his position following a hastily arranged meeting of other Pratts.

Tweed, a retired geography teacher, was away visiting his tailor, getting new leather patches sewn on the sleeves of his jacket, and had no knowledge of the meeting.

A spokesman for Pratts claimed Tweed resigned of his own free will while being stretched on a rack in the town museum; a story refuted by Tweed.

He said: “I go away for one day and these ambitious, self-aggrandising, back-stabbing bastards get rid of me. And why? Nobody will say. It can’t be because I’ve done something wrong. I haven’t done anything. Period. That’s what this committee is all about – sitting down and pontificating. We’re not expected to achieve anything.

“I heard I was supposed to have resigned. Why would I want to do that? I was on a nice little jolly. This is about ambition and somebody wanting to take over my luxury leather lounger …”

Aaron ‘Cynthia’ Lennon, a prominent right-winger, is the front-runner to succeed Tweed should anybody be bothered to reconstitute the committee. A spokesman for bookmaker William Hill said: “Who?”