Petersfield Newswire is joining forces with the town’s Upper Crust Deli to help poor unfortunate northern children this Christmas.
Not only do these poor waifs have to live in the shadow of both coal mines and nuclear power stations, they barely get to see the sun through the natural chemical fumes of their industrialised atmosphere.
"They won’t be jetting off for a traditional sunny Christmas in the Seychelles or skiing at Klosters like most ordinary people," said Marmaduke Smug, proprieter of Upper Crust.
"They’ve got more chance of getting a tan in their living rooms from their 92-inch plasma screens!
"The poor mites – or little sods as I believe they’re often called – will also probably have to make do with a plain old roast turkey pumped full of growth hormones as their main festive meal, and their seasonal gifts are likely to be cheap tacky trinkets like a Playstation3.
"That’s why we thought we’d show these pasty-faced, malnourished tearaways some good old-fashioned southern hospitality and send them some traditional goodwill … in the form of special Christmas hampers."
The Upper Crust Petersfield Newswire hampers will include basic essentials like pitted Italian olives with feta cheese, sundried tomatoes mixed with peppers, caramelised onion bread drizzled with truffle oil, foccacia sheets topped with cherry tomatoes, and a few salt-crusted red snappers.
"We are considering adding some beluga caviar to each one – but it’s best not to go too over the top. We wouldn’t want to patronise our northern cousins just because they’re scum," says Marm.
If you’d like to help out with this appeal to help those less fortunate than ourselves, simply send us some cash (Paypal is most acceptable) before Christmas – in fact, send it whenever you like, it will still go to a good cause.