An independent mind

Sir Arthur has declared independence

A Petersfield man has issued a unilateral declaration of independence – for his large detached house.

Sir Arthur Ponsonby-Landowner has decided that he, his extended family and his staff at Upper Crust Mansions in one of the town’s poshest streets, Monks Vineyard, need have nothing to do with anyone else and will form their own mini-state.

“It all started when I got involved with the UK Independence Party,” declared batty Sir Arthur.

“At first it was enough to shout from the rooftops my dislike of the garlic-eating surrender monkeys that seem to populate most of Europe.

“But then I realised I didn’t really have much in common with the rest of the UK – those bloody Jocks and Taffs have nothing to offer now that North Sea oil has run out and we’ve closed all the Welsh mines.

“I was going to form an English Independence Party – until I realised that would include northerners, Brummies and yokels, so I set about forming the South Eastern League … but didn’t want to let in Cockneys and their rhyming slang nonsense.

“That left Hampshire and, to be honest, would you want to form a party with people from Leigh Park or Southampton? No, quite.

"I got all the letterheads printed for the Petersfield Independence Party but before the first meeting realised I’d have to include all the ‘roughty tufty’ bits like Rival Moor, Queens Road and Herne Farm.

“The Monks Vineyard Independent State had quite a ring to it – but then I suddenly remembered I hate all my neighbours, so Upper Crust Mansions is going to be a new state from January 1.

“However, if my wife bangs on one more time about me getting Jeeves to tidy my gun collection, I may have to narrow it down to my own personal wing of the main house…”