Jam today – even during recession

The roadsigns have already been prepared by Matt Tress

A deranged shopkeeper has called for Petersfield's A3 by-pass to be closed in a bid to boost town-centre trade.

"The more traffic we can generate past my shop the better - don't you realise there's a recession on?" ranted jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress.

"If we closed the bypass and direct the London-bound traffic down the Causeway, we could then block the road between the Folly and the Red Lion and direct the whole lot up the High Street - it's simple.

"The traffic would probably grind to a halt and, once they're sitting bored in the jam, the drivers - and their passengers - are very likely to get out and buy things. As far as I can see, it's foolproof. The town will be humming again ... mostly to the sound of idling engines admittedly, but then there's a price to pay for everything."

A spokesman for the town pedestrianisation campaign, Patty O' Slab, the owner of Petersfield Paving Company, said: "Good grief!"

However, the bypass closure plan has already been partially backed by the British National Party (BNP).

Its representative Miss T Eyed said: "We're all for anything that brings in business for local home-grown traders - but we would prefer it if 'non-indiginous' cars were offered a voluntary repatriation route back on to the bypass."